August 26, 2015
Highs and lows
My sugar is still testing really high. It's been at least three weeks, maybe longer since I didn't have any test strips to really monitor it. And when I say high, I'm talking in the 200s, nearly up to 300. Today it finally came down to 174 fasting, but that's still bad when I'm used to keep it between 80 and 160. I'm freaking out a little. I haven't really made any major lifestyle changes that should be affecting it so much. I did gain like seven pounds, but that seems a little ridiculous. But I'm not the expert. I guess I should go ahead and make an appointment with my doctor. It's just, I was doing so well! My numbers were great. And now they are shit.
Brian and I are doing very well. Just celebrated four months together. We are finally getting into a routine of being completely natural around one another and I appreciate that so much. I feel like I was just on edge for awhile and it's nice to feel secure in my relationship. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that I've finally pushed TJ out of my heart. I've been reflecting on the last few months and I questioned my relationship with Brian so much. I was worried about our compatibility. I was worried about him leaving. I was worried about wanting to leave. I didn't think there was enough passion. I felt like I was overly emotional. The list goes on. But I think a lot of that had to do with my struggling feelings over TJ. We had just broken up when I decided to jump into a relationship with Brian. I mean, I literally jumped right in. It's so surreal.
But I really am so happy. When I was with TJ, it was like walking on eggshells. I constantly wondered if this would be our last time together. No, maybe this time. The end was always inevitable, you know? But things are so different with Brian. Now that we're together and I feel secure about everything, he makes me feel calm. I think I'm a generally calm person anyway, but I do get seriously emotional over little things all the time, and he just swoops in and validates my feelings. He doesn't tell me I'm crazy. He doesn't tell me I'm overreacting. He assures me it's okay to feels things and we talk about it. It's amazing. It's such a wonderful feeling to know I can tell him how I feel or what upsets me and he is just okay with everything.
It is funny to realize the little things he does that annoy me. The other day we sat down and jokingly talked about them. For example, I make this weird slurping noise whenever I'm hungry or am thinking about food that I really like. He's not a fan. And I don't necessarily like his texting etiquette and it's interesting to compare our thought processes on certain things, but we haven't gotten into an argument yet. Not a real one anyway. Sure, we've had misunderstandings, but there have been no yelling matches, no real annoyances. It's quite refreshing.
Sometimes when we're together I catch myself just staring at him. I stare at him constantly all the time. I can't get enough. Seriously, I feel like I can't get enough of him. But once again, it's so different from how I felt about TJ. I craved TJ like a junkie. I always wanted to be with him because I was trying to keep him. But he was never mine, was he. So I tried to keep him and love him and I just failed miserably at it. But with Brian, I want to see him all the time because I want to know him. Who is this man. What does he like. What does he dislike. Why does he like me. Why do I like him. What are his dreams. Yet I really appreciate our periods of separation. When we're not together, I'm actually doing things. I'm being productive, I'm working toward my goals. He makes me want to be my own person, a better person, so I can be a good person for him and we can be good together. That's what they call love, right? When the other person makes you want to be better. Maybe, maybe not. What do I know about love.
I do know that every time I see Brian I feel like I'm going to burst. Everyday I can feel my love growing more and more intense. I questioned it for so long, and now it's here and real and it does just make me so happy. It's nice not to be stressed out over my lover for once.
The other week TJ texted me that he loved me. He'd never said it before. I was torn between ignoring him and ripping him a new one. I settled for trying to talk about it, but he had selfish reasons and everything was still about him and what he wanted. I'm actually quite upset about the whole ordeal and have been a bit cross with him. And yet, it also doesn't matter anymore. I hate to say he doesn't matter to me, because he does. He really does. But now that I'm out of that relationship, I can finally breathe so why should I worry about his feelings. I don't know what I'm saying. Some of it I mean, and some of it doesn't sound quite as sincere as I want it to. I'm also rushing as I type this so maybe I'll go off and ponder about it for a bit, then come back.
scullerymaid at 6:14 p.m.