September 03, 2015
Another fuck up, no surprise
I fucked up. I didn't report my GRE scores and now they are lost. The proctor lady said that we could report them to four schools and if we didn't report them today, we would have to pay to report them later. Well, I didn't have any schools to report them to, so I cancelled thinking I could just get them later. Wrong. Cancelling doesn't mean cancelling just at the time, it means cancelling the whole fucking test. So my scores are lost. I can't get them. It was a waste of $200 and three hours. And now I just feel completely deflated.
And it's more than that. I just feel like a complete fuck up about everything. I can't follow instructions to take the freakin' GRE. I can't dig myself out of debt and now I have collectors banging down my door. Maybe I'll get sued for being too poor to keep up with my payments. My diabetes is going crazy. My blood sugar keeps testing high and I can't afford to pay for my stupid shot to bring it back down. so my doctor is going to bitch me out for not doing what I'm supposed to do.
And this was supposed to be my chance. This was supposed be my chance to leave all this behind and better myself and improve my overall situation. But what kind of person relies on taking the GRE and going back to school to solve all their problems?
Things just don't get better. And I just feel so ashamed. I feel so ashamed that I keep fucking things up. I feel ashamed that I have no money to get out of debt. I'm ashamed that I followed a boy instead of going to grad school from the very beginning. I feel ashamed that I have this new boyfriend who is so encouraging and I can't be better.
This is my life. This seems to have always been my life. This is all I seem to have to look forward to.
scullerymaid at 4:01 p.m.