October 04, 2011
Zuppa
I'm secretly reading Sisterhood Everlasting behind Popeguy's back. I'm not very far it yet, perhaps 50 pages, but I must say that I highly identify with Lena's character. She likes to lead a simple, quiet life. She doesn't really like to be bothered all that much and she spends a lot of time in a rather pensive state. She also has a problem dealing with big emotions. Because those emotions consume her when she allows them to. Like the love she holds for Kostos. She's been holding on to that love for 10 years, but is too afraid to do anything about it because she feels so strongly and feeling that way makes her uncomfortable.
My emotions make me uncomfortable. All the times I've allowed myself to truly feel to my full potential, I've made some pretty rash decisions r I've slumped into such a state of abandon it lasted for months and I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around. Ask my friends. So I prefer keeping my more passionate and intuitive nature on the dl where I don't have to worry about it. Even the slight feelings I have for TJ are threatening to take over my sanity and I'm trying my hardest to keep him out of my mind. I think that's why so many of my entries are dedicated to him. It's like a compromise. If I write about him, I don't have to think about him all the time.
Remember Peace? My feelings for him were all consuming and I never want to go back to that again. Not unless it's for real. Because I can't handle loving someone like that. The love I have for Popeguy has threatened to burst on several occasions, but now I can manage to keeps those feelings settled as long as we're not fighting.
I love hard, diary, to the point where I think my insides will split open. I think that's also why I can't manage to stop seeing TJ. I ffear the separation before I'm ready would send me down into a spiral of dispair. I remember what it was like when Peace broke my heart before I was ready to move on, and TJ means so much more to me than he did.
Last night we had our cooking date. We made zuppa toscana, which was his idea. I would've just done a vegetable soup. It turned out pretty well, though, if I do say so myself. But there was something missing. We followed the recipe to the t, and neithe rof us could figure out what needed to be added. But it was still good for a first attempt. We also bought pumpkins! They were right inside the door at the grocery store and TJ tried to distract me from them because he spotted them first. We were almost past them when suddenly I turned and he rolled his eyes because I had to go knock on them all and pick the best two out. He thinks it's adorable, even if he pretends not to. I think we'll carve them next weekend. He said his mom likes to have carving parties. Does that mean I'm included in this party? Because last time I checked he wasn't going to bring me along to his parents' place anymore. Guess we'll see.
It was a pretty good night though. I know I dozed off for a little while after we ate all that food, and then we watched something on tv, but I can't remember what. Going off to bed involved more cuddling, but I think last night it was more because he was cold than feeling overly affectionate. Perhaps it was a combination of both. His house is freezing right now and I think it feels like heaven. It's only been cold out for a week and you need to wear a sweater in his living room. I wish my apartment was that chilly. I love cool weather! I'm pretty sure this weekend he's going to invest in some heaters because he doesn't want to turn on his baseboards.
Friday I think I'll finally make it out to get my car. I hope I like it. I really don't feel like continuing the search.
scullerymaid at 2:26 p.m.