September 02, 2011
Atlantic City
TJ got me Rosetta Stone in Spanish and in Russian. Then last night he asked me if I wanted to go to Atlantic City for the weekend since we both have a three day weekend. We were at dinner and he was talking about how he wanted to get out of the house. Then his eyes lit up and he said we should just leave for the weekdend. Right after work tomorrow (which is now today) and drive up to Jersey and play some poker. He was so excited about it.
Then we both realized that we have no money to potentially waste on poker. So we're going to wait for the next three day weekend.
I wonder what it would have been like escaping for the weekend with TJ. Would I have enjoyed it or resented it? But more importantly, why is he inviting me to go on weekend trips?! Ugh, I wish he would get out of my head. I think this week, after all these months, was the first time my feelings faltered for TJ. I think it was Wednesday. For a moment, I just didn't care anymore. I don't remember what we were doing, but I do remember thinking how odd feelings tend to work. Here I've been crushing on him for nearly five months, spending a ridiculous amount of time with him, and patiently waiting for him to stop being so...anti-relationship. Here I've bene willing to go through all this because sometimes I can't tell if he's serious about not being together or just hesitant. With the way we act together, it's hard to tell. And then out of the blue on Wednesday I didn't want to like him anymore. We were probably on the couch eating pizza or watching tv. And I was done, ready to hop in the rental and be on my way. Then he sidles up next to me and I can't decide how I feel. Do I lean into him, or shun him?
And last night was so frustrating for me. I'm not going to go into detail what happened because, well, it is more on the private side, but afterwards once I was visibly rather angry and annoyed, he kept trying to hug me and kiss my cheeks and brush his nose against mine and it's just so....stupid! How can he do these things? How can he make me feel so rejected and miserable and then completely adored and appreciated? It's getting to the point where I don't want him to touch me because all I ever want to do is touch him. I am a touchy-feely type of person. I love touching and I love being touched and...I don't know. Maybe it's better to do no touching at all.
Anyway, I got a quote on my car. I really want to buy another SUV or a truck with the money. I loved my Pathfinder! But maybe I really should find something that's not so heavy on gas. But driving around I can't help but stare longingly at all the trucks that pass me by. Who wants a little baby car after driving a beautiful, powerful, live-out-of-worthy type of vehicle.
Spealing of living out of your car, I've been living out of mine for the past 2+ years. I don't mean to do it. Just after all the living mishaps I've had I now prefer to be prepared. I could easily sleep in the back of the pathfinder. Could I say the same about a little cavalier or accord or corrolla? Decisions, decisions. Grrr
scullerymaid at 3:12 p.m.