June 27, 2011
Phone cords
Today is such a lazy day. I could be cleaning, or doing laundry, or even hanging out with the twins since they complain about never hanging out, but I'm pretty content sitting on my bed with Greta browsing the web and sending out a text here and there. And I need to catch up on my summer reading. It's nice being home alone for a little bit, epsecially after the fiasco that was my mother and brother this morning. Is this really what I want to live with for another year? Besides, I harly ever get on my computer anymore. I've neglected to read blogs and facebook is becoming a thing of the past. Seriously, I think I was last on five days ago. Of course for those five days I was mostly working and staying at TJ's. It's easy to forget about the internet when you're busy busy busy.
Even more so when you're fretting about the ever approaching future aka July. That's when my deadline about moving is (a conversation I'm dreading to have- there are so many more reasons that I may be choosing to stay with my parents than the question of finances...the tift this morning kind of proved that to me). I also want to request a few days off work which makes me nervous since I'm new. I should probably continue thinking about what I want to do career/school wise so I can start preparing for whichever route I choose. Basically, July is going to be my month of decision making and organizing. Putting things into order usually makes me feel better and since I feel like I'm just floating around, some organization would be nice. It's grounding.
The tift between mom and Squirt really bothered me this morning. I want to kick my brother in the face, but I do feel bad for him. I mean, he's stuck in this littler apartment with no friends and nowhere to go. Our parents are gone off to work and school and I don't stick around either because I'm either working or escaping the tension and running off. So he's bored out of his mind and none of us will take him to Chester. Of course, he doesn't ask nicely either. He yells and threatens and makes anger burn in your blood. Then other people start yelling too because he's so difficult to deal with and no one ends up happy because we're all fighting. No offense to my brother, but things didn't have to be this way. If he would act like other kids his way, he could've had a car by now and come and go as he pleases. If he didn't fuck his life up and my mom's life, things would not be the way they are right now. But he has to have his way and his way had dire consequences. And he doesn't even care that he has screwed everyone else over. The only thing that matters to him is that he can go hangout with his pothead friends.
My mom gets really upset. She doesn't know what to do with him. She can't control him or compromise with him and he's stronger and angier than she is. My dad just sits in the corner pretending to be patient. My family is so ridiculous. How did we get this way.
I suppose the fighting has always existed. We're all stubborn and tempers tend to flare quickly in this household, which just adds to the destruction. When I was a little girl, I watched my mother wrap a phone cord around her neck because she wanted to die. Recently she's been talking about wanting to die. Staying in Newport News isn't just about being close to Popeguy and TJ and helping my dad out with rent. My mother swears we don't have the touch of crazy that runs on her side of the family but that right there is crazy talk.
How do I explain to SB that I need to stay here for her more than for anyone else? I just feel like I keep making up excuses...
scullerymaid at 1:26 p.m.