June 12, 2011
Can you touch it, see it, or feel it?
I wonder when I'm going to stop gushing. You know, I've never thought of myself as an affectionate person, but here lately I've been extremely affectionate. When I asked Popeguy about it, he said I've always been that way. Guess I've just been pretending otherwise.
Anway, so I've been thinking about my so called dating semester and all the boys I've gone out with in the past seven months. I've had my ups and I've had my downs. My emotions have been high and low, hesitant and forward, strong and apathetic. Some days, I felt like I was on top of the world and others I wanted ot shlep away to a dark cave and never meet another boy again. It fascinates me the way attraction works and how emotions repsond to that attraction. How do we know when it's real or not when it seems like we are so easily influenced by a silly text or an insignificant invitation?
How do you know when you truly love someone? How do you know when you've fallen in love. I have loved, I've no doubt of that. But I don't think I've ever fallen in love. I loved Peace. I love Popeguy. I've even attached that word to Zach as much as I sometimes think he never deserved my affection (and then I change my mind, constantly going back and forth on the matter). But I don't think I was ever in love with any of them. I know I love Popeguy, but he's my best friend and it's to be expected. Peace was my first love but only because he's the first boy I had a more than friends attaction to that showed interest in return. And I loved Zach because he was my first lover.
But none of that is the love I imagine that is supposed to trump all the other loves. So how do you know when your in love when it's so easy to love? Is there a certain length of time you should know a person before you can be in love- a month, a year, five years? Where do you draw the line between simply loving someone and being in love with someone?
I suppose these questions are clouding my mind because my dear mother keeps asking me if I'm in love or if TJ is in love with me. And all I can do is stare at her, mouth agape, until I remember my words and shout no! We've only been dating for a month. Is that how little time it takes to fall in love? Should I be in love? More importantly, am I in love? I don't think so. I can't imagine saying those words to him right now, though I probably could in the future. But I'm not there yet and I'd feel like a fool if I was. Yes, I enjoy staying at TJ's house and spending time with him. Right now, I could probably see him everyday and not get tired of him. I like him, even when he's moody or avoids answering my questions. I like the affection he grants me and even more I like doting my affection on him. I like what he has to offer because he offers what I want out of life. But that doesn't mean I love him, does it? Maybe I'm thinking things all wrong. I know it would hurt a lot if he were to stop talking to me and I never saw him again. I would miss him. But that doesn't mean, I love him, does it? Not yet anyway...
But who am I to say? Maybe my mother knows things I don't know. For crying out loud, she doesn't understand why we don't just admit to be girlfriend and boyfriend when that is clearly what we are. So maybe she knows, and maybe I am in love. Maybe you don't realize your in love until that love is threatened to be taken away. Perhaps only then can you admit it and believe it and hold onto it for dear life.
scullerymaid at 11:56 p.m.