May 19, 2011
Dilemmas
I really do wish he would stop apologizing only for his small frame. The only thing he is accomplishing is making me more aware of how tiny he is...and making me fantasize about Zach's 6'2" beautiful body.
I find myself at a dilemma. We all know my feelings for Zach. You know, those pointless things that I did not mean to develop. But they are what they are. But we also know that he is leaving for like two years and we have both agreed to end our relations when that happens. Or at least, our relations will end because, well, he's going to be on the other side of the world and I'm going to be here. And I've heard that long distance is hard enough without adding the possibility of death into the picture. I think I could handle it, but it's not just my life so I understand why we will call it quits in July.
It's more of a physical relationship anyway. I'd say 70-30 physical-emotional.
So...back to the dilemma, which is the same dillemma I've been having since that night Zach and I talked and decided not to be anything more than "friends" with some benefits on the side. Dating. I decided not to date anymore while he's still in town. For one, I've had a very busy dating semester and I'm ready to take a break. Secondly, I'm satisfied enough with Zach right now not to go on anymore dates. Third, there's a slight guilt factor despite the fact that we are not in a committed relationship...even though I'm not sleeping around on him. So I was going to put off this whole dating thing until August when I move to a new market that has less military guys (though I do have a special place for the military man in my heart).
But then skinny boy snuck in somehow. I don't recall exactly how it happened, but we've gone out a few times. He's nice, has a job and his own house, and seems to genuinely like spending time with me. He texts me enough anyway. He's a Cancer, haha, and enjoys motocross. He's just a little on the short side for my usual taste and very skinny. But I'm trying to keep an open mind about everything.
But I am a little torn. I don't want to end things with Zach until I have to. But I also don't want to go out with both guys at the same time. Granted, neither relationship is something official and serious, but still- I'd just rather focus on one guy at a time. So what to do? Relish my limited time with Zach whose personality I adore and whose body I crave. Or move on ahead of schedule and see if something could work out with this new guy. I mean, I could just go out with him. I don't have to marry the guy.
There's another point. I used to be this long term type of girl. I didn't go on a lot of dates because no one had that long term potential I was looking for. I wanted the long haul. Then I threw that idea out the window and went on a lot of dates with a lot of guys, knowing that none of them were long term for me. Now I'm trying to figure out how to find the balance between long term and short term. There's nothing wrong with dating a guy seriously...even if you don't plan on marrying him. My friends most recently have taught me this. I'm not saying I'm 100% on board with this theory yet. I think it's extremely unfair to date a guy that thinks your the one when you have every intention of leaving him someday. But this is just part of the learning process. I'll get it figured out.
So I might end up dating this skinny boy for the experience of dating someone on a more long term basis, but I can't deny my attraction to giants. Most of the guys I've gone out with have been anywhere from 6'1" to 6'4". I just really like tall men. With this guy, I don't think it's the skinniness that bothers me so much as the fact we're the same height. Peace was super skinny, remember him? And I was gaga for that boy for quite a bit of time.
But just because I prefer tall men doesn't mean I can't date this guy, right? Open-mindedness please!
scullerymaid at 12:32 p.m.