August 23, 2010
Darkness becomes her
Yesterday was horrible. I was rushed to the hospital suffering from a bronchospasm...which turned out to be like a mix of an asthma attack and panic attack for me. Here's what happened:
The night before I'd visited my mom and she was bombing the house because they have a roach infestation. Being the asthmatic that I am, the fumes were too harsh and irritated my lungs. Then the following day, around 3:30, I was washing my lunch dishes before going to work at 4. So there I was standing at the sink, and Snortgiggles was standing next to me and kept demanding that I talk to her. Repeatedly I told her that I didn't want to talk, I was beyond annoyed, passed pissed, and just extremely furious. Furious and I are not great friends. When I reach that point, I'm filled with so much negative emotion, I don't know how to deal with it. So I politely told her that I had nothing to say, I was working through it, and I was not going to talk. Do you know what it's like to be that angry? I could feel it shooting down my arm and into my hands, which were shaking uncontrollably. I kept having to put the casserole dish i was washing down, pushing my hands against the edge of the sink and breathing in deeply to calm down. But finally I couldn't take it anymore. She wouldn't go away. She wouldn't shut up. And my body was raked with this shutter. The tears began to fall and I couldn't breath. So I retreated to the bathroom to save whatever pride I still had. But one in there, I collapsed onto the floor and couldn't catch my breath. At all! I couldn't breathe!
So I scurried back to my room and called my mom. She wanted me to call 911, but in my hazardous state, I still managed to remember that ambulances are expensive. So I called SB instead to take me over. And it was absolutely horrible, diary, horrible! I got to the point where I'd lost so much oxygen I couldn't hold anything because my body was shaking so bad and then I kept falling when I tried to walk around my room. I was wearing a sweatshirt and was scared that I would overheat. It was humiliating. When SB arrived, I couldn't even figure out how to open my door. It took me a few moments to understand that it was locked. Then both Popeguy and my dad showed up out of nowhere, but I sent Popeguy away because he had upset me the previous night and his presence made my breathing worse. So SB carried me to the emergency room where they hooked me up to an oxygen machine and then gave me a nebulizer treatment. My dad followed her to the hospital. I couldn't ride with him because he smokes.
That was the worse asthma attack I've ever had in my life. I was so scared! I actually had a moment of ultimate fear where I thought I was going to die, that the asthma was actually going to kill me. I remember thinking what a terrible way that would be to die. And the funny thing? Snortgiggles and Math left while I was in the bathroom because they just thought I was crying. What would have happened if I couldn't reach my phone? I've never just broke down and cried in front of them; I'm too proud for that. I can hold my tears until I'm alone. And they just left because they were angry and thought I was angry.
The good news? I'm no longer mad at any of them. Not really anyway. I just want to put everything behind us and not talk about it.
scullerymaid at 9:51 p.m.