August 22, 2010
To love is to destroy
Today my heart broke. Last night I decided to get rid of my cats. I just couldn't do it anymore and that was the quickest and most efficient fix I could find. So I did it. I loaded them into my car and drove away. Originally I was just going to take them to the Richmond SPCA because it's a no kill shelter. Then I remembered that my great grandmother was in the market for a new generation of cats and gave her a call. She said she would take them so at least they are still in the family, but it hurt so much to just leave Gene there in the wild (the country). He's only four months old! The older alpha male cats are going to bully him and force him off the property. What if I never see him again? And I just left him there. I love Gene. And now I can't stop crying. I was fine until I got back home and he didn't greet me. Right now he'd be darting around my room like some kind of maniac. Now he's miles and miles away doing God knows what. What happenes if he gets killed? He's still a kitten! He was my baby and I just walked away.
Loca will be fine. She's more of a loner anyway. But Gene was a cudler. What if he become wild? What if he doesn't remember me? He was my best cat since Oreo. I hope everything turns out well...except he won't be sleeping with me or batting at my earrings or sitting by my feet when I cook or wash dishes. I returned home tonight feeling friendless and pathetic, not to mention catless. And to top things off, I received a text tonight that made my world crumble and the people I wanted to talk to the most weren't there for me. Now I feel even more alone and bitter.
It all makes me feel like friendship is just a fleeting notion we see in television and in books, but it doesn't really exist. It sounds nice. In theory, friendship is great and even a necessity to our social health. But in reality it's just this big ugly mass of negativity that brings you down whenever it can. I used to believe in friendship so much. But now I understand. I used to say that friends are the people you can count on because boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but really it's the opposite. Friends don't last. So all that's left for me to find is love. I have to find love because if one isn't real, then the other has to be. Love has to be real and not fleeting as well.
All I want is Gene. And to disappear. To move away and never look back. I'm finding new bridesmaids!
Now if only I could stop crying before everyone gets homee...
scullerymaid at 1:12 a.m.