April 07, 2010
Alpha
Well, I might have found a subleaser for the apartment. My fingers are crossed and my hands clasped in prayer!
Anyway, I've been thinking about boys lately, as is obvious. And do you know what part of my problem is? Dominance. I have a strong persoanlity. I may appear shy and timid and quiet, which I am... but I'm also independent and will speak my mind when I find it necessary. I'm not one to back down from confrontation, though I do try to avoid it. So all in all, I view myself as being semi-dominant. Not exactly alpha (I don't like to be top dog) but sure damn close to it. And the guys that try to talk to me are not. I need someone to dominate me- not to be confused with control me. I'm not saying I want to be someone's property or something rediculous like that. But I want to be chased and caught and I would like for someone to call me theirs. But in order to do that, this person, this boy, man, whatever you want to call him, needs to show me his power. his dominance. His will and desire for me to be part of his life. I'm a prize to be won, not a thing that will settle. I want to be with someone that will stand their ground, as I stand mine, that way we can build a relationship with respect and equality.
I don't know if that makes any sense, but in my head it does. Where's my lover? Where's my mate and friend? I haven't found him yet, but I'm dying to meet him. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of these guys that only put in a toe worth of effort, trying to force me to do the chasing. As weird as it sounds, spending time with my family has made me realize that I'm ready to settle down. I don't mean get married tomorrow. But I'd like to start walking down that path. I want a family. I want to build a home with my husband. But I can't do that until we meet. I can't do it until we find eachother. And I sure as hell hope it doesn't take another ten years!
scullerymaid at 9:42 p.m.