April 14, 2010
Together again
I want to talk, but truth is I have nothing to say. Nothing at all. So I don't click the button that would open our line of communication. Why bother in the first place? It's not like I'm the only one that can start a conversation. Why does he never try to talk to me first? Why doesn't he want to talk to me? Did we make amends? I don't have the answer to that either. I would like to say yes, but there's still that part of me that is angry. I know this because if I wasn't still angry, I wouldn't feel the pain so acutely when I randomly think about him. Like today, for instance. I've been fine without him by my side. Just fine. But today I was looking at pictures of us together, particularly pictures taken the day he left, and I could prevent the silent tears that fell as I continued browsing through them. If I wasn't angry, seeing his face wouldn't make me cry. Why doesn't he talk to me? I bet he talks to Bonadio. Maybe not every day, but I bet they talk. Where's my talk? Where's my hello? It doesn't exist, damnit!
I miss my best friend. I like to pretend that I don't, and that works for most of the time. But when it hits me, it hits me full force and I want to crumple on the spot. Even now there is this tightness in my chest that seems to have appeared out of nowhere.
Anyway, in further news I don't know what's going on with me and Bonado. Everything seems fine on the surface, but everytime I invite her to do anything...she agrees only to cancel. And it's starting to piss me off. So I've decided to stop inviting her to hang out. No chip off my shoulder. Though we've forged a close friendship, it's still new and I have no problem dropping away if that's the way things are going to be played.
And Venezuela is getting on my nerves as usual too. I thought he ignored me when he was interested. Now he really ignores me! And I want to slap him. What, you tell me you want to fuck me and I'm supposed to be like putty in your arms? Hell no! I mean, really, really?! Sometimes thinking about the way he's handled this whole trying to get with me situation just makes my blood boil. And it's not like he even did shit except tell me how much he wants me and likes me. Okay. That's nice. Why should I want to be with you? He never gave me reason. After the spell of someone liking me wore off, I was left bored. Sorry. But I made it clear from the beginning I didn't want anything. Why is he so damn sensitive?
Funny thing is the girls and I were comparing who would get married first. I think I was fourth on the list. But everyone agrees that when I find someone, he's going to be the one. I apparently I'm only ever going to date one guy in my life. Well, I wish he'd hurry up and make his presense known. I'm tired of watching everyone else date around. And I'm just not interested in the guy that are intered in me...like Venezuela for example.
I want to fall in love. I want someone to love me, and even more I want to love someone. And that scares me
scullerymaid at 8:49 p.m.