March 15, 2010
In shadow
I�m so ridiculous. I haven�t spoken to Venezuela in since Friday. Well, he hasn�t spoken to me since Friday and it�s starting to irk me. Not even a simple hello. So I thought maybe he was upset with me. You know, maybe I finally pushed his frustration to the edge and he didn�t want to be just friends anymore. So I waited for today because I knew we were both working. And he didn�t come in. turns out that he�s really sick. That�s what one of my managers said anyway. And I want to by sympathetic�but can he not send a simple text acknowledging that he�s still alive? I mean, you can�t talk to someone everyday and then just disappear without a word. What if he had gotten hurt or kidnapped or something? And does the fact that I care�mean something? Do I like him? I still don�t know. I have no idea how I feel about him. Maybe if he did a little more wooing I�d be more susceptible. But I do all the work and I�m not even the one that�s twitterpated. He is! So why do I have to visit him? Why can�t he talk to me at work in front of other people? If he wants me, where�s the gesture? I�m not just going to be his little secret! Wouldn�t he want to show me off as being his? Not that I am his. Nope, I am not. Not yet anyway. Maybe never. I wish I had the answers to my own questions. Am I just afraid? Is that the problem? I don�t want to open myself up to someone. Perhaps. You know, today when I his found out he was sick I wanted to go see him. Maybe take some soup from work. Then I remembered that I am not his girlfriend and that would probably be a bad idea. What would he think of that? I don�t want to give him the wrong idea that I want to be his girlfriend or something. But maybe I do. Ugh! I wish he would just put a little more effort so I could clear my head. Texting me all the time and telling me bluntly that you want me is not enough. I know you want me. So what? But why should I want you?
I might give him another spin. But this time I�m taking control because he�s not very good at it.
Last night I watched the movie Closer and I really admire Natalie Portman�s character. I love her! She�s just so�like me in certain aspects. I could love forever, but my love is not wanted. And I�m the one that�s going to have to leave one day. Step back and see the big picture and just decide I don�t love you anymore. That�s how I feel today. Sometimes I feel like my love has been spent. Sometimes I think people are undeserving of my love. But could I do it? Could I wake up one day and let my love go? Decide that it doesn�t exist anymore? I hope so. I hope so because I know one day my heart will be broken. And I�d rather break it myself before someone else can. And the only way to do that is leave first. Follow my own path and see where it takes me. But I want so much to stay on this ride. And I would too. Forever if I was permitted. But there are too many rules and demands. I don�t appreciate conditions when I�m unconditional. Love is love. Friendship is friendship. Anger is anger. Talking is talking. I don�t know if I can handle it anymore. As strong as I am, sometimes I can�t help but ask myself what I�m fighting for. And more and more often, I�m drawing blanks.
scullerymaid at 12:17 p.m.