March 15, 2010
In the know
If you've been following my diary for the last five years, you know that I have a superstitious streak. I believe in fate and I do watch for signs to help guide me through life sometimes. I believe that there are powers and spirits in the world. We just have to learn how to see them.
Anyway, being this spiritual person that I am, I felt something this morning. Last week I decided to go to counseling for Popeguy and Bonadio. You know, if they keep getting upset with me...maybe I need to change something. Personally, I think the two of them are just a little too high on their pedastals, but whatever. I appreciate their friendship and I knew my going would be like some kind of gesture for them. I'd rather go see a priest or shaman, but they don't believe in that kind of thing. So science it is!
So I was supposed to have my first session this morning, but my counselor is sick so he cancels. For me that was a sign. A sign that I don't need to go to counseling just because my friends think it will solve everyone's problem. I have no desire to go and him canceling only increases that lack of desire. I'm so tempted not to reschedule. But I guess I should give it a try. What's the harm in a little talking? Maybe it will be good for me to vent a little out loud.
I just don't feel like dealing with it. That's the real problem. I'm already so busy, this is just something else I have to tack on. And I'm just exhausted. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I really would love to just disappear from life for a week. That would be a week of bliss. No friends. No anyone. Just me in the world with a good book and some good food. That would be amazing.
I'm really glad I decided not to go to Canada. As surprising as it may seem, I can't wait for the extra space away from Popeguy...and I'm ready for Bonadio to go too. Being away from them will allow me to think and figure out what I want out of life. Where I want to go and who I want to be. I'm tired of fighting. And being blamed. I realize that I can be ridiculous, but I'e never hidden that fact from anyone. This whole time, I've always been me. So I don't understand why people seem so surprised when I get upset or act on my emotions. I never said it was the best way to be, but they aren't always in the right either.
This is why I appreciate Artisit, Math, Snortgiggles, and SB. They accept all of me. I get angry, they let it roll of their shoulders. If I'm sad, they comfort me. We can act goofy in one second, blow up at eachother the next second, and then go get McDonald's to make everything better.
True friends fight and argue and hurt eachother's feelings. But they also come together in times of need. They are also full of love and understanding. Even if you call them wolves dressed like sheep. Even if you don't like their boyfriends. Even if you have the biggest mood swings in the world.
I love Popeguy with all my heart. There's no doubt about that. And he is very sweet to me. But when has he been there for me...without some sort of condition? Yes, he pushes me to excell and celebrates me birthday with me. And we have great times together, but he would leave me in a heartbeat. He denies it, but how can he after all that we've been throug. If he was a true friend, would he demand ultimatumns from me? Would he give me that stern look I hate? Would he make me cry so much? And Bonadio...I thought our friendship would be stronger than it is. She said it was, but I can see that it's not. My guard already comes up everytime she comes around now, and that's not right. She alway said we could work through our problems, but as soon as they arose she scampered with he tail between her legs. She shut down over something trivial and stupid. So what will happen when it's a bigger problem. Something worth getting angry over? I'm not sure I want to find out.
I've been living out of my car for two weeks. Couch surfing. Well, floor surfing technically. I stay here one night, there another night. Anywhere as long as I don't have to go back to Williamsburg. There's a part of me that wants to feel guilty. For walking out and not coming back. But why should I feel guilty when I felt like people were pressuring me and making me live up to high expectations. As well as I was treated, sometimes I felt like a puppet. Or a caged animal. For the most part, things were wonderful. But the things that weren't were not worth the things that were. So I left. The floor isn't that bad anyway. I feel like a little girl playing nomad, haha. I just hope I don't start to be a burden on people. If I could afford a motel, I'd stay there. Even if there were roaches. Why? Because I'd be free. I'd be independent. And it's not that I want to be alone. I just don't like being pushed and tested. And that's how I feel...tested! And it's a horrible way to feel.
It's only for another 6 weeks. I've already lasted two. I'm a survivor. I will make it just fine. And then when I have children, I'll recount this tale of mine and we'll all have a chuckle.
If only I'd chosen to live with the twins in the first place, imagine where I'd be now. But there's no reason for regret. It's all a learning experience, right?
scullerymaid at 12:28 p.m.