March 10, 2010
Dealios
I don't know how to tell Bonadio that I'm not coming back to Williamsburg. You know, I tried it out for a while and it just isn't working for me. The problem is my wanting to leave has nothing to do with her or her mom. I don't think she's going to look at it that way. It's just I've been living there for almost a month and still don't have a key. Even though I live there, I can't come and go as I please. I don't have freedom. Not to say they are keeping me prisoner there. I just feel like I have to report where I am and after living on my own for so long, I just can't deal with it. But it's more than not having a key. My restlessness is coming back again and I just don't want to be there. Driving back and forth to Williamsburg stresses me out. I feel overwhelmed and trapped and I have that need to just run and disappear again. I want to hop in my car without telling anyone and just leave for a few days. If I didn't have school, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Why do I feel that way? Is this normal? Probably not. I think part of it though is that I feel like Bonadio and I are getting too close too fast. If I don't want to come home, I don't want to have to explain myself. And I'm not saying she makes demands of me, but living with a mother and daughter is different then just living with a roommate or something. Besides, my life is in Newport News. My school, my work, my friends. It's easier not to go back to Williamsburg. The only problem is the timing. Bonadio and I are fighting right now so I'm sure she'd think that's the reason I want to move out. But I'm over the fight. I know she's not and that's fine, but I said my peace and got my anger out. I'm fine now. But I do want to move. But I was hesitant to move in in the first place. And everyone knew that. So is it that much of a surprise I want to move out? Probably, but whatever.
There's 7 weeks of school left and I think I'm going to spend those weeks couch surfing. Sounds crazy, but I usually only go home to sleep anyway. I did that at my old house. I do it here. So it's not that big of a deal to me. I've been sleeping on a floor for the past week and I'm totally fine with that. It's like a little adventure. Just make up a story in my head and I'll be fine. Maybe it'll even inspire some writing. But yes, this is what I'm doing. I'm getting a PO Box and a storage unit and I'm staying in Newport News. I just don't know how to tell everyone.
I have other problems though. Apparently Venezuela really likes me and he wants me to be his and I just don't have those feelings. At least, I don't think I do. So now I'm frustrated and he's frustrated and I don't know what he wants from me. I told him I don't want a boyfriend or anything. I told him I don't want to commit to anyone, so I don't understand what his deal is. I don't know what to do.
scullerymaid at 12:12 a.m.