June 06, 2009
Making a choice
Forever.
What does that even mean? Does forever even exist? There was a time when I believed yes. But then again there was a time when I believed in a lot of things. So much has changed, my beliefs included. I guess it is naive to think that something can last forever. That a friendship is beyond this world and the next. That a friendship could even be called magical.
I used to think that if reincarnation really existed, Popeguy and I have traveled the world together countless times. That in each life we have always found each other and would continue to do so for the rest of eternity. I've never felt the connection I feel with him with anyone I've ever met. Not even with Romania and God knows she and I are there for each other no matter what. But Popeguy was different. He bred in me a loyalty that I thought could never be broken. At a simple request, I would walk through fire for him. Anything.
There is a part of me, my independent side, that is ashamed of that. Who is he to me that I would put myself on the line like that? Just a friend. Just a best friend. A frined like no other. A friend I wanted to know for the rest of my life, someone I can't imagine not seeing everyday.
You know, I missed him so much when I had to go home. He was always in the back of my mind. He still is. I couldn't get him out if I went to an exercist. And I know he missed me. He gave me all the proof I needed. But what did my coming back do? Nothing.
I haven't spoken to him in 3 days. And it's killing me. I'm tired of it, but what's the point if I just give in? I have a right to be mad. And he is to blame. Why should I break and make the first move? But he'll never make that move. He would never try to mend our friendship. And that shouldn't surprise me. I've seen him throw away friendships before? Why shoud I believe ours was any different? Five years of frienship down the drain for someone he has onl;y known for four months. Pity.
The thing is, I love him unconditionally. Even though I hate him, feel betrayed by him, and think I might actually die because my chest aches so much, I still love him. Even when I declare that our friendship is over and choose the ultimatumn, I'm always thinking about him. I've never doubted his love for me. I know he loves me. But his love has conditions. What kind of love is that?
Nothing. Not worth anyone's time.
scullerymaid at 6:10 p.m.