July 08, 2008
Numbness in the dark
Well...
I'm not mad anymore. Now I'm guilt ridden for being the worst best friend in the world. We talked last night. And I don't even know what I said. I was rambling, unfocused. Speaking and speaking because he was quiet and just staring at me. If only you could see the way he looked at me! It was terrible. That look burned my very soul.
After I couldn't say anymore, he put on his shoes and left me. That was the worst feeling I've ever felt. And then I couldn't find him and I was crying. I don't think I've ever cried so much. He didn't answer my calls or text and I felt completely lost. Lonely and horrible. So I went out in the courtyard and wept.
I was about to leave when I heard him call me. He'd been sitting in the shadows at the other end of the courtyard. My punishment.
I never want to hurt him like that again. As much as I know, as much as I understand, how could I have been so selfish? How could I do that to him? The things I must have said. The way I've been acting. I'm ashamed.
And it's not alright. It doens't matter if he tells me that every day for the rest of my life, it's not okay. If he wanted me to be honest or not.
I can't even look at him. Every time I do all I can see is that look. It's still there in his face. And he may not be saying anything, but I can feel it in my stomach. I have to make it up to him.
I am a little hurt at the words he chose to hear. I think he was more interested in what I had to say concerning the way he's changing at work than how I was feeling about everything. There are so many things he says to me that are hurtfu. Things he'll never notice or understand. I wish I could fill the voids he has. As best friend, as mother, as sister. But I'll never be enough. He'll always want more. But at least he'd rather not live without me, as much as I may doubt it.
scullerymaid at 2:02 p.m.