April 28, 2008
Heart in my throat
Math is talking to me on Aim right now and she said she's been talking with this guy and she was scared to tell me who it was. That really scared me. While she was stalling, the whole time I was thinking, Oh my God, it's Peace. She likes Peace. Peace likes her. How did this happen? You have to be kidding me. Even now my stomach is flip-flopping.
It wasn't Peace. It's this guy from work. A great guy. Really funny and loveable. And really big if you get my drift. I like to think of him as Papa Bear. I think she's embarrassed because of his size. But we all know the big guys get the hot girls. Look at King of Queens. Anyway, I don't know why she was scared to tell me. She said I reacted weird when he asked her to g to a meeting with him. Whatever. I think she misread my retort. Like I had a thing for him maybe? I don't know.
Anyway, I can't believe I was so scared that it was Peace. I mean, here I am supposed to be over him, and I was terrified that he had moved on to one of my close friends. And she had fallen too.
Why does he still haunt me? After all this time I've gotten him out of my head, realized how wrong we are for eachother. And yet, my heart was pounding so fast. So hard. My eyes were prepared to tear up if necessary.
Is it because I'm in love? Or was in love? Or whateve I am/was? I don't know. When I think about him, it's love and hate. I remember the things I didn't like. Then I remember the things I did like. But do they overcome those that I didn't? Or was it really the mere fact of getting attention from someone that was normal that got me? The idea of having a guy in my life.
I hate how he used to hug me. How he used to kiss me. And how he started it only to do nothing about it. Now I know those were forbidden kisses that he took. Kisses that were more than friendship. It's all he thought he could take from me. I hate how cowardly he is. How he just stopped one day. But I should have seen it coming. Look at what he didn to Mondo?
Why am I thinking about him? I think it's because he would make a good first boyfriend. Someone to kind of fool around with and learn the ropes. I'm comfortable enough with him to let him guide my inexperience. But I would feel so guilty because of China and Mondo. What would they think? I'm not sure if I would care. I mean, I would, but at the same time...it's not like we're best friends.
I have half a mind to seduce him again over the summer. I think I could do it. And we might see a lot of each other. And maybe not for anything serious. You know?
Maybe. We'll see what happens. But he is a out of sight out of mind kind of person. Maybe if we hung out, he would remember those feelings. Or at least, stop ignoring them.
Oh I hate him :-)
scullerymaid at 11:26 p.m.