February 08, 2008
People pleaser
I'm sure my readers are tired of hearing about Peace. Heck! I'm tired of writing about him, but here it is anyway.
I'm scared to love him because I'm scared that I don't really love him. That I'll let him fade away like I have other friends. Look at Dancer and I? Tight as stitches over the summer. Then I go away to college and don't bother making time for him when I go back home. Don't get me wrong, I love Dancer to death, but he's not on my top priorities list. And I don't want to bump Peace off it.
I love him. I think I do. It's just, how do I know? It seems like I do. I think about him enough. And he makes me smile and blush. But how do I know that I don't just love him because he loves me? Because he's actually showing me some attention. I'd like to think that I'm higher than that, but how do I know for certain?
I know this kind of talk is stupid. That it's just me "fighting it tooth and nail" as he put it. Isn't that cute? He's so sweet...
We had a long conversation last night. And I was right. He is a coward. According to him, he has relationship problems. That they just never work out and he always ends up hurting the people he loves. And he doesn't want to hurt me because he wouldn't be able to forgive himself. Isn't that adorable? Yeah, I want to smack him, but I understand what he's saying. It's not good to have one relationship after another. And I think it would be good to become better friends first.
But he's still adorable! And he thinks I'm "damn cute." How could I say no to such a boy?
I think the other thing that scares me is the fact that he's so spiritual. It's not that it scares me, it's just I think he's placed me on a pedestal that I don't deserve. And he thinks he's abnormal. That his mind is wild and crazy. He always brings it up. Are you sure you want to deal with me?
He's so crazy. He says I fight it? Looks like he's doing some fighting, too.
Anyway, as a college student, I tend to analyze things. And today's analysis... the fact that I enjoy sitting on the floor. When I found out my enneagram (a Peace influence by the way), it said I was the Helper. And a lot of it was true. I put myself in kind of a "servant" position because I'm a people pleaser. I come at every beckoning call and love just making people happy. It's part of why I like to cook. I like to play hostess. So this got us to thinking maybe part of the reason that I'm o comfortable on the floor is because it puts me in that inferior position.
Haha, it was just interesting to dissect the possibilities. Not that they're necessarily true. It was just fun to see what we came up with
scullerymaid at 12:12 a.m.