January 30, 2008
The greek key
Here's the problem, and I'm not entirely sure what the problem is, I just know it's a problem:
So we talk. And if you could see the things that come up in our conversations, you'd think... but we aren't. What are we? That is the problem. I need some sort of definition here because I'm half walking in the dark. He loves me, he needs me, he didn't realize how much a part of his life I am. Well, what does that mean for us? We both have the feelings. It's clear to anyone around, whether we tried to hide it or not.
But he doesn't know how to act on those feelings and I don't know what to expect. I feel like we're in this stalemate, neither of us knowing what to do. But I'm not leading anymore. No, I did my part. I coaxed him to my side, showed him who I was. Now it's up to him to decide what we're going to do next because I refuse. I just wish he'd hurry up so I could relax.
Anyway, we stayed up till 3 last night talking. And speaking of talking, he's supposed to call me so that we can "talk" but how is he supposed to do that when I don't have a phone? I hope it's turned on soon. Back to last night...we talked for a long time. And when people ask what about, I have no idea. I think this time it was mostly about Sunday night when he visited. It's so cute to hear what he had to say about that.
I remember watching him come into the lobby. I was sitting on a couch. Not noticeable when one first walks in. And he kinda did that whole turn your head to take in your surroundings and then turn back. And then he did a double take because he saw me. And all I can see is his smile at seeing me. According to Snortgiggles, he threw his ID down on the desk (to be signed in) and attacked me. Just attacked me. I suppose it's true :-) She said he couldn't wait to touch me.
It was a little weird I guess. The whole wanting to embrace, but then holding back a little. When we went upstairs we stood on opposite sides of the room. I couldn't go to him. And he said he wondered if everything was okay, but it was. He came to me instead. And we had mini hugs while everyone else talked. Light touches here and there. He's so funny. When he first crossed the room to me, the first thing he did was tug on my necklace. The one I have of the Greek key. I blushed, I know I did. He makes me blush a lot. I seriously think my cheeks will be red forever. He confessed that he had to advert his eyes to stop staring at my necklace and hair. Apparently, I'm cute.
I don't know. It's just so strange to hear him say all this. But nice, too. Definitely nice.
But yeah, when are we supposed to talk about this "thing" we have? I'm so tired of calling it a "thing" around everyone. I want it to either be something or nothing. I hate being in limbo. And I know he's confused, but so am I. Sure, I don't have a depressed ex and an almost-girlfriend, but still. The sooner we talk about it, the quicker I can let myself just go with it, or stop feeling this way. Because if I shouldn't feel this way, then I don't want to.
But another thing; how do we know we even feel this way about each other when we're so far apart? Sure, we spent three weeks together, but what does that really mean anyway? I know this is just me trying to talk myself out of it, but how well do we know each other. Not that well! I don't think. I don't even know.
You see this? This is me going insane. One minute I'm talking about how cute and adorable he is, the next I'm pretending like there's nothing between us and I just want to forget about it.
scullerymaid at 12:29 a.m.