August 05, 2007
Guys (gay or straight)! Who needs 'em?
Popeguy forgot about me yesterday, and I was angry. I was positively livid. Here I was wasting away at home because some guy didn't have the decency to remember that we had plans. So I did what any self-respecting loner would do; I went to Books-A-Million and splurged on a new book (Harry Potter being said book). On my way back home the fury inside of me was still deep so after much debate on whether or not to do so, I stopped by Panera where he works and ordered myself a lemonade. It was extremely hot after all and they do have the best one in town. When he waited on me I watched closely to see if there was any sign of realization in that puny little brain of his that he had forgotten me. Maybe there was a hint of it when he asked me what I was doing and I said shopping.
Now, I am vindictive. I can hold a grudge. And so bad did I want to let him know how angry I was, how he had ruined my whole day. But my tongue was frozen in my mouth. All I could do was smile and order as he went on to tell me how he finished all his shopping the day before with Mrs. French, the high school french teacher whose class he had taught for two years on account of his very advanced grasp of the language. So she took him shopping as if it were a "paycheck" for his services.
It just made me realize that Popeguy and I are not hand-friends. We are not even elbow-friends. We are arm-friends. No matter how much he says he loves me and how much he tells me when we're together and how excited he seems, there is a distance between us. I am important enough to go with him to get his shots, to go to orientation with him, to let him hold my hand when we walk, but I am not important enough for him to remember when it's something that I need to get done.
But it's me. I don't let people know that I'm mad. I let everyone walk all over me. I agree to do what everyone else wants to do (though usually I do want them to choose) and I think nothing about it. I let people stomp on my feelings and still smile faithfully as they pour out their troubles. And even though I write these words acknowledging my fate, I'm not going to change anything.
And Dancer is no better either. He dragged me to that show choir show to see his ex while he was dating another guy whom I like. He took me to this show, no warning, and expected me to open my arms wide to this stranger who he shouldn't have been seeing anyway?
It's a shame. Out of all these guys, it's the worst of them, the one that smokes and drinks and parties, that is the one who wouldn't forget about me (or who hasn't yet) Golly, despite all these not-so-good things that he does, is a good friend.
But that's just silly, too! Ahhhh, I wish my brain wasn't so confusing. Just because I'm angry at one, disappointed in another, doesn't make the third better. Because they are all good friends. It's just sometimes they only see what they want to see and I don't show them my true feelings.
See? This is exactly why I don't tell people if I'm mad or sad. My thoughts get jumbled and I don't know what I really think. Even thought I'm angry, I still have a need to defend them, even if I'm the accuser. So why bother? It just makes me feel clingy and overdramatic. I will always be a loner. Even if i surround myself with friends and outwardly seem to be warm and loving, inside I will always be guarded, hiding from everyone.
So, I didn't go shopping yesterday. But Romania showed up last night as she tends to do and spent the night and we went shopping together today. I know once I said that Dancer might know me even better than she does, but it's not true. It was all the time we spent together talking. Romania is a true friend. She shares everything with me, things she wouldn't dare tell anyone else and it touches me very deeply. I'm never nervous around her. I'm so very glad we've kept in touch all these years.
Anyway, back to shopping (I think my emotional baggage is too expose right now), I bought all my bathroom essentials, minus a soap case, shower caddy, and cleaning supplies; a storage unit; a vacuum; my notebooks and pens. But I still have a good deal more to buy, which my parents will hopefully help me out with.
I feel bad though. I asked off for three days this week and Sunny decided to give me the whole week off. I suppose it's for the best considering everything that's going on, but still. It's like missing school. It made me feel guilty. Missing work is having the same affect on me.
Okay, I think that is quite enough for one entry. Even now I feel silly for all that I've said, and I wish I could've said it more clearly. But everything in my mind contradicts itself so I fear I shall never ever be clear. But that's okay. It's part of who I am.
scullerymaid at 11:15 p.m.