June 09, 2021

The Baby

I coudn't even tell you when my last entry was so sometimes I think it's a little funny that there are certain life moments that bring me back here. And it's weird to sit back and think about which ones those tend to be. I didn't bother to talk all that much about grad school or entering into a PhD program or spending a year in strict quarantine because of the Covid-19 pandemic. But here I am now.

I'm pregnant. According to the ultrasound I had on Monday I'm probably 4 weeks, which tracks since my conception date is May 8, 2021. The ultrasound couldn't really reveal too much since I'm so early. But I knew almost immediately that I was pregnant so it already seems like an eternity since I started tracking.

But now I'm worried. On Monday they did a transvaginal ultrasound. Then yesterday I started cramping and bleeding. I would've sworn my period was starting if I didn't know I was pregnant. So far my doctor's office has been no help. Cramping and spotting are normal parts of early pregnancy, but this seriously looked and felt like a period and I just wanted someone to reassure me that I wasn't miscarrying. I just want someone to take a hcg blood test so I know where my levels are. Today the cramping has decreased. It's barely noticeable. And the bleeding? I'm not sure how to describe it. Sometimes it's red or pink, sometimes it's brown. I mostly notice it when I go to the bathroom, but there's some in my underwear, too. If we can rule out miscarriage, it seems like the vaginal ultrasound is the culprit. At the very least, I found one forum where women were complaining about cramping and bleeding after their exam.

So maybe this is all normal and everything is fine and the baby is fine and I'm fine. Or maybe not. I just wish I knew. I don't have another appointment for another couple weeks. Cherish warned me that the doctors and nurses don't really pay too much attention to you in the first trimester. It's very frustrating and scary. Why is it so hard to get answers? But maybe they did answer me. They told me that spotting and cramping are normal, and bleeding can just be an irritated cervix. The sonographer certainly whirled her wand up there a lot.

But still. I'm scared.

scullerymaid at 8:03 p.m.

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