January 12, 2022

Keanu's Heart

It's been awhile. I guess that doesn't really come much as a surprise; it's always awhile before I come back to here. I won't bother lamenting how much I wished I had the same pertinacity for journalling I had in my youth, instead getting on with it.

Much has changed since my last entry back in June. First, we conceived again a couple weeks after the loss. Today I'm 27 weeks pregnant with 10 weeks to go. They plan to induce me early for various reasons. I must say, for the most part, I've enjoyed being pregnant and it has been a relative breeze. There have been some aches and pains here and there, some digestive disagreements, heartburn, and headaches, but I truly can't complain. I haven't had a moment of morning sickness and the days I've felt ill really have been few and far between. And now I can feel the baby! It's such a weird thing, feeling him move inside of me. Sometimes it shocks me so that I cry out. Not in pain, but surprise. Sometimes it tickles. Sometimes, depending on where he's aiming, it's a little uncomfortable. But I really do love it. It's exciting! And I've gotten to the point that I get worried if I don't feel him. So I bought a little fetal doppler and listen to his heart most nights before taking a shower. You know, to make sure he's still moving around in there. I don't think the doppler is incredibly accurate, but it's cool to listen to his heartbeat get stronger and stronger as he gets bigger and bigger.

And he is a big baby! At 27 weeks he's in the 99th percentile. Can. You. Imagine. My poor vagina is not going to be treated well I daresay. But it's a good thing that he's so big because today we received some distressing news and his size actually works in our favor. He's been diagnosed with D-TGA. Transposition of the great arteries. Basically, his pulmonary and aorta were switched during development. In utero, that is okay since he receives oxygen from the placenta, but once he's born he'll have to have an arterial switch operation to switch things to their proper place. It is a significant surgery, but the doctor was very positive in our meeting and told me that it is common enough in babies with diabetic mothers. She also assured me that it is not my fault, that this happens, but every time they say the word diabetes how can I not feel as though this is my fault? It makes me angry that my numbers are so good and this still happened to him. And it makes me weep that he has to go through this. However, from my understanding the surgery is a one and done thing and then he'll be good as gold. And, as I mentioned, because he's a big baby that will work in his favor. Other than his heart, everything looks really good. He's breathing a lot and moving around a lot and has all his organs and fingers and toes.

Still, I've been crying all day. I'm sending all the good vibes I can out into the universe. I know it's a selfish, nonsense thought, but earlier I did feel a little sorry for myself for first having a miscarriage and now developing other complications for the baby. But modern medicine is a wonder and I have to believe that he's going to be fine. I got to see a scan of his face today and I'm already in love with his chubby little cheeks. And the doctor assured me he's doing great right now. So, here's to hope.

We're going to name him Keanu.

scullerymaid at 7:41 p.m.

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