September 29, 2011
Ginsing or thingthing
And then I thought to myself what about history? I always liked history!
I don't understand why it's so stinking hard for me to choose a lousy field of study and just go with it. Don't I keep telling myself that the goal here is to actually get IN to grad school? Who cares about areas of study right now (though I do realize it's not like undergrad where you can basically stay undeclared forever).
Anthropology, History, Sociology, Psychology, Communications, Folklore, Native American Studies- these are all the things that catch my interest. Ugh!
On another note, TJ was texting me today. He sent me a picture of a teacup pig. Have you ever seen? They are so adorable and I can't say that I'm really much of a pig fan. So I saved it as the screensaver on my phone and while we were texting we were both doing research on them because he wants to get one. He says we should go to the local SPCA and find out what the city regulations are on having exotic pets. Then Popeguy came over and sat with me, saw what I was doing, and told me I need to stop. Apparently looking at pigs and texting and doing whatever it was I was doing was just making me endear the pig to myself and inturn endear TJ to myself which I am not supposed to do. Becuase all I'm doing is hurting myself. I shouldn't allow my feelings to grow for TJ. Plus we're leaving in a year, right?
I wanted to be so angry. Remember his boyfriend? Remember all those times I put up with all that shit, the fights, and arguements, and break ups. The not talking to each other because his boyfriend was more important than me. But did I ever directly tell him not to be with who he was with? Even though I couldn't stand the guy and Popeguy let their relationship come between us...did I ever tell him not to talk to him or like him or do things that were going to end up leaving them broken anyway. No. Even through my hatred, I supported him. I helped him come up with date ideas and gift ideas and I sucked up my hurt pride as much as I could around him.
I know, I know that TJ and I are just this ridiculous fantasy I have in my head. Whether we have good times or bad times, I'm not stupid. There is no doubt in my mind that one day it will just end. But that's my choice to make. If I want to be with him and he doesn't mind being with me, who is Popeguy to tell me not to let him be dear to my heart. It's my heart. And it's a big one. And it gets hurt all the time by him and "boyfriends" all the time. But I'm still here. Popeguy has broken my heart to the point where I thought my soul would be ripped out of my body because that's how close of a friendship we have. Before he studied abroad, I truly thought I might actually die from his cruelty toward me. So who, of all people, best friend or not, is he to tell me not to love someone because that someone is just going to hurt me because I allow myself to become more and more involved? What does he know. Is he there when TJ and I are together? Does he know the dynamic of our relationship inside and out? I think not.
If my heart gets broken, it gets broken. But I'm hoping that the love I have for TJ does turn into more of a friendly love someday. I think he's the only guy I've ever been with that I wouldn't mind continuing to be friends with when we finally call it quits. I don't know. Right now I'm rather rambling. I know that my feelings for TJ shouldn't be what they are. But you love who you love. It's not like he's come crush I've just been holding onto or a random guy I've been dating casually on the side. There's more investment than that. I'm involved now and I'm not going to just stop talking to TJ because my friends think I should. I don't judge their lovers!
Besides, I already don't talk to him as often as I once did. A little cute texting about cut pigs is not going to cause the end of the world. It was one of the nice moments between us. Like when he called me to tell me his yard was flooded. It's nice that I'm the one he wants to text or call about random shit that no one cares about.
I hate boys. Gay, straight, it doesn't matter. All of them are a headache.
I didn't get out of work until 10:20 and I have to be back at 5:30. That's not even a full night's worth of sleep and I'm too wound up to even think about trying to sleep. This really blows!
scullerymaid at 11:09 p.m.