August 20, 2011
Foolish
Sometimes it irks me that my entries are so filled with rollercoaster emotions about a boy, but that is what's going on in my life right now aside from the new job and the fuced up car, so I guess that's what I have to talk about. So here it goes.
Last night we went over to TJ's brother's house. His name is Thomas if I haven't mentioned it before. Swell guy. Anyway, Thomas has a roommate name Janet who was throwing herself a birthday luau. Well, when TJ and I arrived everyone was already pretty drunk and a little rowdy. When she saw us, she jumped up and started making introductions. The first thing that came out of her mouth was Everyone, this is TJ's girlfriend Tiger Lily. And TJ is Thomas' brother. I should have known after that it was going to be one of those nights.
Actually, it was a pretty good night. We played a couple rounds of flip cup then moved inside the house to play kings. It was fun. Then TJ and I went home and things were fine. I was feeling a little icky because I'm not much of a beer drinker, but that didn't stop us from doing a little bit of kissing. And then right in the middle he stops and says I didn't mean to play footsie with that girl. She was just sitting across from me and my foot kept bumping into her when I stretched out.
Okay. Let's keep in mind I was a little tipsy during this conversation and in the middle of making out so I wasn't really in any shape to give a shit about what he was saying, but I did take the time to pause and contemplate his words for a second. Mostly, because it was one of his damned mixed signals again. One, I didn't really understand why he had the need to tell me this, especially at that precise moment. Was he feeing guilty or something? I don't know and I'm not too worried about it. Depsite our are-we-an-item issues, TJ is a nice guy and I don't think he would mess around on me, which might be why he decided to tell me in the first place. To assure me or something. Whatever. I really don't care. Is it odd that the fact he told me about it bothers me more than the fact that he did it? I feel like the opposite should have been true (I appreciate honesty and open communication after all), but it's not. I believe my reasoning for this is that he doesn't want to be a couple. Even though we are a couple by all standard definitions and now people are definitely introducing us as significant others, when it's just the two of us we know that we are not "together" as you might out it. So then, why the fuck should I care if he plays footsie with another girl. Are we exclusive? I suppose we are but I find it almost pointlessto be exclusive if we aren't "together." I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense, but then again this relationship doesn't make any sense so I guess it doesn't matter. I wish I could just understand what he's doing. If he doesn't want something and it's not about sex, why does he keep bringing me around? Why not go out with a bunch of other girls? Then again, I haven't gone out with a bunch of other guys either. Despite my bursts of frustration, I can't bring myself to date around like I did when I was with Zach. I don't understand that at all. Why not see other people if this is clearly not going to go anywhere? Why stay and develop deeper and deeper feelings for a guy that doesn't know what the hell he wants, you know? Yet I keep turning down the other guys for this boy. At one time I thought he was worth it, but now my faith in that is beginning to falter. Maybe that's a good thing. The less faith I have, the less attachment I will have and the easier it will be to leave one day. And maybe I'll be able to leave without earning a hurt heart. That would be nice.
You know what he also said after he confessed his little confession? He said that he wasn't strining me along. Funny that he mentioned that because that's what I've been beginning to think. So I asked what he would call it then if it wasn't stringing me along. He chose to go into one of his nonresponsive states after that. Which was the only point of the night I became frustrated. I really don't care about this whole defining our relationship issue we seem to get into. The only thing I care about doing is talking, especially if he's the one that brings this stupid shit up. We were having a nice night and then he decides to start talking...and not finish the ocnversation he started. If he didn't do that, I'd be okay with everything else.
I just wish he would stop sending me these mixed things. I wish he would tell me I'm cute, or text me everyday, or kiss my forehead, or tell me he didn't mean to play footsie, or take me to his parents' house for dinner, or let people introduce me as his girlfriend if those are all things he doesn't want. Last night I asked him why he had such an issue with being in a relationship. It wasn't an attack question, just curiosity thing. He said he didn't know but wished he could talk to someone about it so they could explain it to him. I told him he should just talk about it outloud in general, but he didn't want to.
I just wish he would bring me deeper into his life if he's not itnerested. I just don't understand what he's doing. We have such a good time together and then we have weird nights like last night and it just leaves...confused. If he just wants to have this almost friends with benefits type of thing we have going on, I could work with that I think. But I can't work with this back and forth shit of not knowing if he wants to be with me or not. For someone that doesn't want to be in a relationship, he sure does treat me like his fucking girlfriend.
Okay, enough of that. I'm not even all that frustrated about it anymore. I just wanted to put some thoughts down in words. I'm more worried about my car right now and figuring out how the hell I'm going to be going to work next week. I suppose I should start looking more seriously into career/school options as well. I feel so lazy about it all. I like palying house and being in this "girlfriend" type role. Too bad I seem to have found the wrong guy. I think. I don't know. My feelings for TJ are mixed right now. Good days and bad days, right? I wish i had a real boyfriend i could start planning a life with. Most of the people outside of my circle that I hang out with are older and I do get a little jealous when I here about how much they love their bf/gf. I wish I had that. I used to think that I was better off alone. I used to watch my friends date and break up date and break up and I would say to myself who wants to deal with that drama? But now I understand. Everyone talks about school and work and asks what I'm going to do and all I can think to myself is how much I enjoy playing house with TJ. So maybe I'll just move to Montana for school and play house with a cowboy.
And now I feel like I'm speaking a bunch of nonsense. What happened to the girl with plans and goals? That's right. I never made any. I was just going through the motions of what was expected of me but I forgot to draw out the next step. I'm just going to go be a scientist, okay.
Yeah, enough babbling. It makes me feel foolish.
I miss my spell check tab. Where did it go, haha.
scullerymaid at 12:12 p.m.