August 16, 2011
On the wrist
I have this image of myself in my head. This image of someone that doesn't wear their heart on their sleeve. An image of someone that doesn't love easily. An image of someone that is tough on the outside-- a fighter not a lover. But the truth is, my heart is bare for the world to see. Loving someone doesn't come hard. Make me giggle once and I'll be yours forever. Fighting? I wish I could fight off my feelings and keep the hurt that comes with them at bay, but that never seems to happen. As Popeguy put it, I watch my demise and choose to let it happen anyway.
That sounds awfully dramatic, doesn't it? I wouldn't say I watch my demise come and go. It's more of an awareness and debating on what to do about it.
You know, I really think TJ and I are good together. The only problem I have is...I'm beginning to think he's incapable of love. Of course, that's not something I generally believe in. How can someone be incapable of love?! But we've been together for four months now and I feel like he's staying stagnant as my emotions develop stronger and stronger with each passing week. What's a gal to do about that? TJ is sincere and sweet and kind. I enjoy spending time with him and I want to be with him. We act like a couple, are introduced around as a couple, and do all these fun things together, but I can tell he's still keeping me at a distance. Am I supposed to wait for him to open up? Or do I move on. I'm filled with hope that maybe one day he'll stop being so closed off, but can a tiger change stripes? Perhaps the better question is, can a tiger mate with a lion? My hope reminds me that ligers do exist...then my brain kicks in and tells me to stop being stupid.
It hurts to stay because I'm not getting the amount affection I deserve. It hurts to go because, well, besides the fact that I'm pretty sure I might love the boy, he's become an important person in my life and I don't take my more serious relationships lightly. It would be different if we remained on a more superficial level like me and Zach, but we definitely crossed that line.
Why are these things so complicated? I don't understand why the concept of girl-likes-boy/boy-likes-girl doesn't seem to work...
scullerymaid at 5:28 p.m.