August 05, 2011
Spontaneous
It's so stupid. And I mean that mostly in a good way. When I got off yesterday he decided to invite me over. You know, all week I've been feeling so funny about the whole situation-- this whole together but not together thing. So I've been basically ignoring the whole thing until I can think about it with a straight face. But all week he's continued to text me despite my short answers. And then came the invite. Part of me wanted to jump up and down in excitement...while the other part of me was screaming not to go. But since I was still on his side of the tunnel, I figured why not go. Plus it would be the first time I saw him since our talk. Maybe going over there would give me a feel of what our next step would be, or at least my step. So I went. At first, I was uncharacteristically quiet as if we were strangers. I wasn't sure how to act and I was trying my best not to touch me. Even when we went over to his parents' house for a cookout his brother was throwing with some friends, I was distant. They were all in the pull horsing around and as much as I wanted to join in on the fun, I had no desire to be playful with him. So I floated around watching. I didn't mean to be cold, but I didn't know how not to be affectionate. It was hard for me not to hook my finger in his belt loop or kiss his cheek or act like my normal, loving self. It made me feel like a fraud and question the purpose of my being in TJ's life all the more.
But I can't help but to warm up to him eventually. It happened in the kitchen. We'd both just changed from our swimsuits and somehow crossed paths alone in that particular room, probably getting ready for dessert. And he kissed me. That's it. Walked right up to me and kissed me. Twice. Like that, all the hesitancy I'd been feeling that whole night melted away and I was at peace again. The rest of the night was followed by quiet flirting and secret pinches until we finally went back to his place and had probably our best make-out session yet. He thinks I should come over again tomorrow and spend the rest of the weekend hanging out. Today he also kept talking about how he needs to get a bigger bed for us.
Like I said, so stupid. Are you reading this? After all that nonsense about moving so fast and not ready to be official and spending too much time together...this is what he does! He's so confusing. I don't think I'll ever understand. Whatever. No need to ponder on such things right now.
I graduated from the sandwich station today. That means next week I'll either be doing salads or customer service, though I have no idea which one. Maybe both. I also got paid today. Yaaaaaay! It flt so good to put a bigger sum of money in my bank than what my tips were giving me. I know I need to catch up on my bills, but I'm thinking about buying myself a cheap dress from Old Navy. Just to put a smile on my face and pat my back. Things are going to be better, why not celebrate!
scullerymaid at 5:12 p.m.