August 01, 2011
More than a friend...but I'm not ready for a girlfriend
Well, we had some pillow talk last night. It was nice because I was finally able to crack through his defense and actually talk. It sucked because it was a sensitive subject for both of us. I don�t know who had it worse; me for having to hear or him for having to say it. I don�t even know how it started. I suppose I brought up the subject. Maybe. I know at some point I asked him why my affection bothers him so much. Yes, perhaps that was the beginning. A gal knows when her guy is being resistant or pulling away. Though he keeps inviting me over like he�s been doing for the past three months, for the past couple weeks I�ve felt off. It�s funny. When we first started going out, he�s the one that would reach for my hand or give me a peck on the cheek. The shy, quiet girl that I am prefers not to take the lead, choosing to follow his cues instead. I swore they were all green so I began returning his affections, appreciating his tenderness and displaying my own in turn. Sure, we had bumps to overcome, I�ll be the first to admit that, but he was so genuine and kind, I didn�t fret too much over things that only time could accept or alter. But with my growing affection came his waning affection. Where then I was more hesitant and he more willing, now I was the one reaching for his hand and he the one shying away. Now it was I initiating that greeting hug or kiss instead of him. A girl knows. That�s why that one weekend when he wanted us to do our own thing separately I would�ve sworn he was going to break things off. I could feel it in my blood. But then that Sunday night he asked me over and the fear settled down. After all, he�s the one that invited me to come over; I never invite myself. He�s the one that takes me over to his parents� house for dinner. He�s the one that initiated our first steps toward intimacy. He does all these things and I follow, yet I�m the one with the feelings because I�m the one being wooed. He does all these cute stupid things which are making me fall in love with him�but it�s time to face the cold facts.
I�m not his girlfriend.
And I�m not his friend.
I�m this weird thing in between the two and I just don�t understand what he wants from me. But he doesn�t know what he wants either so at least we�re both on that boat. He treats me like someone he cares about, like someone he wants to date. I mean, for all intents and purposes we are dating whether he wants to label that or not. He always says it is what it is and truly it is what it is. We are a couple. We act like a couple, we do couple things, we�re paired as a couple with his people and my people, so I don�t understand what his deal is. While we were having this great discussion last night he assured me that he likes me, likes hanging out, likes my personality, thinks I�m cute and adorable, takes pleasure in my company, and enjoys sleeping with me, but he�s not feeling it. He doesn�t want me to go, but he doesn�t know when he�ll feel it. What the hell does that even mean? How can he sit there and tell me all these great things about me and how he definitely wants to continue seeing me, but he doesn�t want to be something official because he�s not ready for that kind of relationship. It just boggles my mind. Then he goes on to say that the longer we play this out the more official it becomes�and the more confused I get because I don�t really understand what he�s trying to say. I thought perhaps he had a bad breakup with his ex. I could understand that. As fast as we seem to be moving a label is just a label. It doesn�t need to affect the time we enjoy together or whatever. But then I found out that was like two years ago. He can�t be all that damaged from her. So I was trying to get to the root of his sudden hesitancy. You know, talk it all out so we can work it out. Like I said, clearly he didn�t want to end things. If he wanted to slow down, I could work with that.
But apparently it just comes down to commitment. He doesn�t like being in relationships because he doesn�t like to be committed. I don�t understand this concept either because I�m a loyal, committed type of person. It�s not like he feels like he�s tied down. He doesn�t want to go off and be with other girls. He just doesn�t want to be �committed.� I�m telling you half this conversation didn�t make any sense to me. Would you like to know what he told me? He said he�s been pulling away (though he assured me he wasn�t pushing me away) so that he could salvage the relationship that we have. In other words, by being closed off he was somehow making sure that we stay good and don�t crumble�? I seriously don�t understand what the fuck he�s talking about. He says that the longer we�re together the more meaningful it becomes, but he thinks that not developing a deeper connected relationship will keep us together�? I think that�s what he was saying. It�s a little difficult for me to wrap my brain around his theorizing, truth be told. But I�m trying.
Then he went on to tell me that I was young and had options. Options? Is he trying to push me off on some other guy now? Here I�m supposed to be his lady or whatever the fuck I am to him, but I have options. What? He just turned 27 and is suddenly all wise and shit and thinks I can do better than his old-ass self. He wants to be with me but doesn�t want to be with me and I have options but I�m with his so I don�t have options and all I was hearing last night was a bunch of nonsensical horseshit. But at least he was talking right? At least he was trying to open up. It�s a start.
But I think I can damn well choose who I do and do not want to be with. I have a good head on my shoulders and though my love life has had some blunders, I�ve never been as confident in my choice of a partner as I have been with him. If I wanted to be with someone younger, I would be with someone younger. And let�s face it folks, four years is not a big difference. He just turned 27 and I�m turning 23. Big fucking whoop. What? Does he want me to go test out all the young whippersnappers then come back to him? I just don�t comprehend this reasoning.
The real thing is, I can�t figure out why he�s with me. Why does he keep inviting me over and introducing me to people? Why does he want to do all these things together? Why is he talking about getting a bigger bed for the two of us again? Why all these things? Is he just stringing me along? Well, that�s pretty shitty. I don�t think that�s what he�s doing, but the more he tried to explain himself the more I felt like that�s what he was doing. But I don�t think that�s it. I think he does want to be with me. Despite all this ass backwards shit he was trying to explain, I do think he cares for me. I just think the relationship has moved a lot faster than either of us expected it to. The amount of time we spend together used to freak me out a little until I grew accustomed to it so maybe it�s just his turn to freak out. After all this talk he wants to go on a date next weekend.
Is anyone else getting mixed signals here? I don�t expect him to fall in love with me over night or in a three month period. There was a time when I didn�t believe people could fall in love that quickly anyway (though I�ve proven myself wrong). I don�t mind all that much if his feelings take time to develop. Lord knows I wasn�t all that impressed with him the first few weeks we were going out. Then something changed and I really really like him. More than like him. And going into this I knew he was a closed off person. Once again, I wasn�t expecting him to find his heart over night. But what about another three months from now? What happens when we hit our 6 month mark, 9 month, 12 month mark? Time flies. When the months keep passing us by is he still going to stay in his little shell where he doesn�t have to worry about loving anyone? Love hurts. Good love and bad love all hurts so I understand. For awhile I kept myself in a shell, going on date after date so I wouldn�t have to experience all these stupid feelings I have now. I was avoiding this like the plague. But would I give it back if I could? I don�t think so. As frustrated as I am right now, it�s still worth it. I think he�s worth my patience. I don�t know where his love issues spouted from, but friend of his told me not to hurt him because he�s fragile and I�m beginning to put more weight to those words. I�m not saying I�ll wait forever for him to warm up, but I�ll give it a good run. Sure, it does hurt when he says some of these things and then intertwines himself around me in bed before sleep. His nonverbal communication without doubt contradicts some of his verbalizations, that�s for sure. I really wish he wouldn�t bump his forehead against mine, or kiss me on the head, or tap my nose, or pat my leg, or make eye contact from across the room with me or any of the other cute things he does that I�ve grown to find quite endearing if he�s not �feeling it.� What kind of person does these thing with someone they don�t like? They don�t because these things increase intimacy so they only do them with someone that�s mate worthy.
I could chuck it all up to sex, but we talked about that too and I�m pretty sure that�s not it.
So where does this leave me? With three pages worth of ramblings about something doesn�t make a whole hell of a lot of sense to me. To stay or to go is the question I suppose. I want to stay and I will stay. I think it will be worth my while to stay. But a girl won�t stay long if she doesn�t feel loved, now will she? I�m telling you my brain is a little rattled right now. But like I said, this talk, as confusing as it might have been, was a good thing. It was a breach in this �I�ll salvage what we have by not disclosing deeper things� attitude he has. One breach can nly lead to another breach. Slow and steady. Slow and steady.
Or maybe I�m just another fool looking for love in all the wrong places. Guess we�ll learn that soon enough.
He did decide to tell me all the things I do that he thinks is awesome. Like the night his power went out and I brought him candles and we sat in the dark together. Apparently, he thought that was the greatest thing ever. Or that I made him his birthday present. He liked that a lot. And all this other stupid shit that still doesn�t make sense to me haha. He likes my affection but shies away from it. What am I supposed to do with that predicament exactly?
If someone has any comments or would like to explain the psychology behind all this for me, please feel free to leave a note.
scullerymaid at 7:43 p.m.