June 19, 2011
On the drive back
Well Diary, it took me 45 days. I didn't think it was possible to love someone that quickly, but sometime today between having brunch at TJ's parents' house and leaving his house to drive to work something in me stirred. An ache inside my chest that made me want to smile. Was that love, Diary? I think it was, though I'm no expert. I don't even know what triggered it, but today it happened and I feel very content.
EditI decided to edit this entry because so many thoughts have been going through my head and I've been scribbling them down everywhere. Some things might be repeated, but at least they are all in one concrete place. I keep asking all my friends about their love stories to get a feel for that stirring in my chest I felt. I can't decide if I want to panic or...rejoice. I know I'm happy with what's happening. I'm just still scared of it all disappearing.
Yesterday I fell in love. It was so unexpected. I was driving to work from TJ's when all of a sudden I began to feel this ache in my chest. It hurt, and still does, but in a good way that made me want to smile. This whole time I've been thinking that my love would grow gradually over a long period of time and I would feel it form slowly piece by piece. No. This hit me full force all at once. I can say exactly why it happened or what triggered such strong feelings, but this weekend definitely sealed in my loyalty, trust, and committment to TJ. That sounds so crazy. Perhaps it was the tenderness he displayed to me Saturday night when we were in bed. Or maybe it happened when he took me to brunch the next day at his parents' house. Of course, it could be the way he let me kiss and cling to him before I left for work, or the simple fact I like the way I catch him smiling and nodding at me sometimes, like he sees something satisfactory. i appreciate his genuiine affection toward me more than I've ever appreciated anything I can remember. I didn't mean to fall in love so quickly. I didn't even think it was possible. I was beginning to have some serious doubts about love, that it even existed. All my past feelings and crushes were so ridiculous. The feelings might have been real, but they weren't genuine- I just wanted to feel them so I did. I might have begun to have those kind of feelings for Zach, but that wasn't going anywhere. It was what it was and nothing more.
And then TJ came along. I remember our first date. I was nervous, but after going out so much those nerves are easily overlooked. I wasn't expecting anything out of it. Maybe just that one date and nothing else. I didn't expect him to call me the next day. Or invite me over that weekend to go to the track. Or introduce me to his friends, then his brothers, then his parents. I didn't expect him to...happen. And now I have these feelings. After 45 days, which sounds like an incredibly little amount of time, I found what people have been talking about. And I pray to keep it.
This morning was cute. I spent the night, which I felt kinda bad for because it was one of my snoring nights. Sleeping in such a small bed together seems to amplify my snoring when it happens. He had to keep waking me up and i could have cursed my stupid breathing. But when he got up to go to work, I was feeling lazy about getting up and he told me to stay and sleep some more. It's the first time I've stayed at his place when he wasn't there. Then he kissed me and was off. I could get used to that. I could bathe in his kisses all day. And sleeping in this morning was so nice. I almost forgot what it felt like to sleep in I've been getting up so early all summer. I should probably go, but it's gloomy outside and all I want to do is stay curled uo in his bed.
Speaking of which, we might go to IKEA on Wednesday to look at bigger beds.
Okay, I'm done editing. I feel like a crazy rambling fool :-D
scullerymaid at 11:16 p.m.