June 16, 2011
Settled
I'm getting that restless feeling again. I feel like I haven't had it in a good while, but not here it is again to irritate me. I'm ready for a change, I'm just not sure exactly what that change is. I've been going on a cleaning spree to shake it off, throwing things away and trying to organize my stuff. Maybe I should be organizing my life. But that's what I thought I was doing in the first place. Perhaps I'm going about things wrong. I don't know. What I do know is that I have a need to get up and do something, an urge to be alone and a craving to surround myself with people. Could this be part of the reason I was so frustrated with TJ the other night. So many maybes.
I don't want to be here. I mean, I want to be in this area, yes, but I don't want to be in this apartment anymore. I'm tired of living with my father. There are so many things we don't see eye to eye on, life style peeves that are driving me crazy. And my mom is here. And my brother is coming tomorrow. We weren't all meant to live together and I was supposed to be out of the nest- I was out of the nest and they all followed me. I don't mind them being closer. I appreciate most aspects of it, but living together is a different story. This is why I was going to go off with SB. I feel so torn.
I should just get my own place and say screw it all. Once I get established at Ruby I wonder if I could afford it.
The truth is I'm just ready for the next step in my life. I went to college, got myself a degree, and now it's time to move on. I want to settle down and find a job. I want stability. Nothing in my life has ever been stable. Everything has always been rocky and temporary and all I want to do is sit down and take a breath. I want peace. Peace of mind and peace of soul.
Sometimes I feel so old fashioned. As liberal as my thoughts and beliefs can be, I'm not all that interested in going off and doing whatever it is people go off do do. Popeguy pushes me toward grad school so passionately, but what is my passion? I say I want to go dig around in the dirt because it sounds fun. I say I want to open up a restaurant because I like to eat. But I don't have this passion I see in his face. Hell, I don't even have a plan. At least the twins have a plan whether teaching is their passion or not.
All I want is to grow some roots. Going back to that old fashion idea, I would love to get married, pop out some babies, and go live on my farm. Do some writing until I come up with my best selling series.
I want independence from my family so I can start my own. And sometimes that sounds incredibly pathetic to me. I am not one of those girls that went to college to earn my MRS, thank you very much.
I also didn't meet my boyfriend/partner/lover/whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-him in college either. Not that I'm thinking about him in future terms. We still got to solve this slight communication issue.
scullerymaid at 10:47 p.m.