June 15, 2011
Love comes softly
Yesterday was very interesting. After waking up at 5:30, my mom and I decided to ride down to Disputanta to pay my grandma a visit. She wasn't answering her phone so the only logical thing to do was hop in the car and that's what we did. She wasn't home because she was chauffeuring my cousin around, so we visited with Granny for awhile. She showed me around her vegetable and fruit gardens and it really makes me want one. I don't know if I'd really be much of a gardener, but it might be fun to give it a whirl one day. I also want to try canning, haha. What am I turning into?
Since TJ only drove to Maryland today, he was back by 2 so I went over there a lot early than I thought I would. he messed around with my computer because it won't shut down and then we gave up went to Farm Fresh to buy stuff for dinner. I felt like I was playing house last night between the shopping together and then the cooking together. His friend was coming over too, so we made extra. His brother's girlfriend was on Cupcake Wars last night so I made cupcakes to go with dinner and the three of us watched the show in suspense. It's not one of my favorite shows, I'll be honest, but it was so exciting to see her on it. They almost won, too- made it to the final round!
Then his friend went to work and we cleaned up together, which was nice as well. After a little more tv (he's trying to get me into The Office), we went to bed early. And that's where some trouble came in. I don't remember what I was talking about, but we were in bed and I was jabbering away, asking him something and he's not really answering my questions. I hate that. It's not a deal breaker, but we are definitely going to have to work on it. I study people. I'm all about communication, and I can tell when he's holding things back, thinking real hard, and not sharing with me. You should be able to share your thoughts with your partner, even if you think they are stupid or not worth hearing. I wouldn't care if he was talking about aliens in space, I just like listening to him talk. So when he wasn't talking, this tightness dug into my chest, a great ball of frustration I could not shake off. So I slipped from the bedroom for a moment to try and calm down. When I crawled back into bed with him I couldn't sleep. He rubbed my back and told me to wither talk or go to sleep, but I couldn't think of anything to say. I couldn't explain exactly how I was feeling and I didn't feel like being overly emotional. I knew his silence bothered me, but at the same time he was probably falling asleep after a long day. I knew that, and I was still frustrated. I think I was craving affection. Maybe a little touch or something. I don't know. I just know I felt off and I wanted nothing more than to snuggle up to him but I couldn't bring myself to do it. So I went to sleep.
But this morning he was wrapped around me and I felt just fine. I understand that this is a slow process, that some people can connect and trust people more quickly than others can. I know that he is very guarded with his thoughts and feelings. I'm just so open with him, I wish he would move along already. But I'm patient and one blast of frustration is not going to scare me away.
He was talking about beds again last night, making promises to get a bigger one. Sometimes when he talks about beds it makes me laugh. It would be nice to have a bigger one, but I'm not that concerned about it. But I still view such talk as a good sign. Last night he said he should build a bed that hangs from the ceiling. Like I said, he makes me laugh.
I talked to my mom yesterday about falling in love. I wrote an entry asking how you know the other day. I like TJ a lot. I'm extremely comfortable with him, more so than I think I've ever been with a guy. Even when my insecurities pop up, I'm still comfortable around him. But I don't have those wild, crazy butterflies in my stomach when I think about him. Thoughts about TJ just make me feel relaxed and peaceful. Don't get me wrong, I get excited when I see him and I think about him all the time...it's just different. Maybe that's how love is supposed to be. Maybe it truly does come softly and it's something that happens at the blink of the eye with first sight. Perhaps you don't have to feel like your stomach is about to explode. I know I have strong feelings for him, it's just weird how they are developing as opposed to people I have liked in the past. But I know if he left for some reason my stomach would drop and my heart would crack. I'm not saying I'm in love yet, but I know his absence would hurt me greatly.
The weather is amazing today. I'm so tired of the heat. Also, I have to finish my e-learning before I go to work. Bleh! Tonight I think I'm supposed to officially get my own tables. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I hope my trainer is working tonight and that my tables are in her section. I don't feel 100% ready yet. There are so many things I don't know, as proven by these tests I have to take.
scullerymaid at 11:45 a.m.