June 06, 2011
Tractors
Sometimes I find myself asking what am I doing here? and that's probably not a question I should be asking. I'm intrigued but confused and can't seem to understand what exactly is going on or what I should be doing. I've tried to stay guarded as usual, making sure that the lock on that steel box around my heart is still secure. But I fear there must be a whole in the steel somewhere because something isn't right. I keep displaying affection, that dreadful thing that makes people turn-heel. How did this happen and so quickly? I'm supposed to be a fighter not a lover. I don't even know if I believe in love. People keep telling me about it, explaining it to me in detail, but I don't see it. I can't touch it and have never truly experienced it. I sure as hell have not felt it's warmth from another. And yet here I am suddenly feeling when I swore not to. Sometimes I tell myself it's pointless, that my feelings won't be returned no matter how many friends and family members I'm introduced to. I'm tired of people always asking if I'm his girlfriend. I'm tired of empty relationships.
To be fair, this entry is probably just a rant and nothing serious. I spent the weekend with TJ again and Saturday we had a couple off moments and going to his brother's party probably didn't make matters better. You see, this boy of mine has his tendency of bringing up serious subjects and then trying to brush them off. It's like he wants to talk and then thinks better of it and then we have this whole communication mishap. It's happened a couple times but this time was probably the worst. The topic up for discussion? Pregnancy. We all know how paranoid I am about becoming pregnant. That's why I got on the pill and I take that sucker like a mother fucker. In the beginning, I was wary of it's effectiveness, but these past five months have given me confidence in my method of contraception. I trust my pill. TJ, on the other hand, is not so sure. I tried to explain to him how it works and the effects it has on my body, but he's still unbelieving. Fine. Whatever. I feel safe with what I'm doing and I don't mind him wanting to feel safe wither. The safer, the better, right? But the conversation still went south somehow. He kept saying that I should discuss this stuff with the guy I'm with and I kept reminding him that I was with him so let's discuss it since he brought it up. I swear having a serious talk with him is like trying to pull out your own molar. I started shutting down because I was getting frustrated that he would just open up to me and then I began wondering if he wanted to be with me at all. He always invites me over, but perhaps I'd out-warmed my welcome. Perhaps I was too affectionate. Maybe I should leave...?
Then we went to his brothers and everyone was already drunk. It wasn't even 8 yet. And what happens? One of the guys that had seen us together for a couple weekends comes up and asks if we were an item, if we were hooked up or what. How could I answer that? I would gladly say yes, but the last time TJ and I talked about being official it was another one of those serious talks that were like pulling teeth, so I've dropped the subject. I told the guy to ask TJ and he said it is what it is.
What does that even mean? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Am I wasting my time and affections or are we just moving slow and steady. I mean, the guy has introduced me to all his friends and family. He invited me over on the weekends and wanted me to come over that day he had to drive to Delaware. We surely act like a couple for the whole world to see. It's not like we're hiding in the dark all secret like. He shows me off, holds my hand in public, gives me pecks in front of his family. These are all good signs, right? Last night he even asked me to come have dinner with him at his parents' house and stay another night. But it just is what it is... He even calls me girlfriend when we're alone playing around. Say we're tickling or something and I get him good. He'll take on a semi-stern voice and say "girlfriend" in warning. I don't think it means anything. It's just part of our play. But maybe he's feeling the words out. God knows all his friends call me his girlfriend and he's decided to let his mom make her own conclusions about our relationship.
I'm fine with moving slow even though I do not believe that we are moving slow. If he needs time to adjust, I can work with that. He doesn't want labels, okay. I just don't want to waste my time again. I want something serious and committed. I don't want to date anyone else. I like where I'm sitting right now.
At times, I feel like we're playing house. Last night was so nice. After dinner we went back home and played a game of horse. Then we played on his xbox and later sat together on the couch, me reading and him playing his game. When we have moments like that he always gives me this smile and I can't determine what it means. Smiles are always a good thing and this particular one seems worthy to note, but I don't want to get my hopes high. He offers everything I want. He's stable, has a good job and his own house, and he treats me right. I get along with both his family and friends. I couldn't ask for more. That's the life I want. The only problem is I'm scared that it's right there at my fingertips and then is going to be swept away.
I don't mind being patient with him. We've only been "dating" for a month (if that's what you call it). So I don't mind waiting because things are going really good. But when people start asking me for a label to give them, I hate it because TJ won't budge with any hints as to what he would like out of this.
I don't know who his ex was and I really don't care. But I think she screwed him over a little bit or something. But I'm not her and we are not in that relationship. The sooner he realizes that, the better we'll probably be. But I won't push anything yet. Right now I'm going to keep enjoying these amazing weekends. I've never had so much fun with a guy.
Please, I hope this works out.
scullerymaid at 9:27 a.m.