March 02, 2011
More thoughts on love...or slight ramblings
The saying goes that you don't find love; it finds you. I agree with this. I believe that love is one of those powers in the world that one cannot actively seek out. It ties in with my beliefs about fate and faith and patience. But how long, exactly, are you supposed to wait for it to find you? Life is short. We should spend as much time as possible loving because without love, what do we have to make us happy? Everything is about love from the way you feel about your first puppy down to how much your best friend annoys the shit out of you. So every day we experience love, are encouraged to love, and sometimes forget that it's love that we are sharing with each other. In other words, our lives revolve around love and nothing else. But these are every day loves. That doesn't make them less important than that big love, but as we saturate ourselves in friendships and pets and hopefully that dream job, how long are we supposed to wait before we are allowed to fill that one empty crevice? The crevice that has been waiting to be filled, longing to be filled because it's the one love you have yet to experience. Yeah, yeah, it's going to find you someday, but what if you keep missing it? What if you don't recognize it and then you become one of those grumpy, bitter hermits because now you're old and you missed a lifetime of loving?
So does not that mean, even if in the end love is supposed to find you, it is better to actively seek love in hopes of crossing paths than not to seek it at all? Sometimes I don't believe in that big love. I've never actually been in love, though I've been hurt by it plenty enough (when one hopes to fall in love and that person suddenly disappears, it's easy enough not to be in love and yet feel like your heart is being ripped out). Sometimes I think all these ideals and fantasies I've formed in my head are just that- my imagination working working working almost against me. So that is why I'm suddenly dating. I'm actively seeking love to prove to myself that it's out there and I can find it. I don't necessarily believe that any of these guys are going to be the big love, but maybe they will be a step closer to it. Even if none of them turn out to be my husband, maybe they will still show me how to love in way that I didn't know existed.
And then when all is said and done and I'm ready to give dating a rest for awhile, just perhaps love will decide to surprise me and reward my efforts and my cowboy will come riding down from the mountains. Then I will turn to him and say, "Cowboy, I've learned a lot about love in the recent past. It hurt and it burned in both good and bad ways. It was exciting and dull. I was shy and I was bold. I laughed and I cried until I was ready for this very moment when you came riding in (or maybe I'm the one that came riding in). And now it's our turn together to live this love adventure. Together.'
Then maybe we'll get some pizza or fish tacos, haha. The truth it, I would like to fall in love but- and I know this is not the way it works- I refuse to fall in love with the wrong person. So when a new boy comes along, I hold back. And then I lose. So I'm trying to learn not to hold back. When I learn that, I think maybe love will decide I'm ready.
scullerymaid at 2:38 p.m.