March 24, 2010
Dreams that stop us
I feel like my soul is exhausted...and I don't really know what to do about it. So I spend a lot of time alone. Life is wearing me out. I miss sleeping in a bed. I miss having a bedroom of my own. I want to be able to go somewhere as I please. And leave as I please. But that place doesn't exist. Not yeat anyway. But May is only a skip away and then I'll be fine. The summer looks promising!
People keep asking me if I miss Popeguy. And more than anything I want to shout NO! But thanks for asking. But I say yes I do and move on. I don't want to miss him. Right now, I want nothing to do with him. For years I've been here for him. I've supported him. I watched him date around and grow and develop into who he is. And I admit that I'm not the easiest person to live with when it comes to his BF, but that's because I feel like I try and try and all they do is give me more demands. Why would I be pleasant when I feel caged? Why would I be nice when I can't hang out with my best friend because he has to run it by his BF first. I know that I could be nicer. I know that I could try to control the vibes I send out, but why must I do all the work? If they showed me that they were putting even an ounce of effort in, maybe my demeanor would change. Trust me, this is an old argument that I'm tired of having. But I will not submit. I want compromise.
It's taken me a year and a half to realize that Popeguy's friendship is conditional. So I want to decided to leave. I had the strength to decide not to go to Canada. But I don't know if I have the strength to leave him forever. Even though I'm angry and hurt and semi-rebellious right now, I know that I still love him. I know that he is as dear to me as the blood that pumps through my veins. But at the same time I need to stand on my own two feet and show him I don't need him. He isn't my sustenance- he's my love. And there is a difference.
I was tempted to leave. Not talk to him. Not go to grand school with him. Leave him be. He can survive without me. He's made that clear. But I had a dream last night, and I take my dreams seriously. I can't leave yet. And that makes me wonder if I ever will be able to.
scullerymaid at 1:23 p.m.