November 01, 2009
Whirls of storm
It's finally quiet. Not really. I can hear sirens blaring outside my window. But at least I don't hear any people. I'm left to myself, crickets serenading me into peaceful relaxation. I can also hear Loca rustling outside in the newly fallen leaves. At midnight, she's a black spot of movement in dark shadows. It's funny. I think we're starting to form some sort of attachment. She growing on me. I'm a little paranoid about what's going to happen to her next year when I move. I supposed it's back to the littler box, though I must say I love that she's trained to go outdoors now. No more smell. And she's not quite so frisky all the time. I also think she knows that she's my cat. Yeah, there are all these other people living here, too, but I'm her provider. I'm the one that loves and cares for her. Sure, she's not all that affectionate of a cat, but how many cats are all that affectionate?
What I would do for some affection right now. To have someone that cares. Someone who would want to watch Hocus Pocus and The Mummy on Halloween with me. A best friend who wants to be my best friend. Or maybe even a boyfriend. I wonder what it's like to have a boyfriend. It must be nice. Yes, I can clearly see that it's trouble and a lot of work, but it's sweet and nice at the same time. Peace was the closest thing I've ever had to a boyfriend, and that was very innocent. Nothing more than holding hands and sleeping together (in the strictest sense of the word). And kisses were extremely chaste; a small peck on my cheek every chance he got. I miss that time I spent with him. People look at him and think he's dirty/greasy, but I don't think he is. He's not a bad looking boy. Very tall, thinner than a twig. But he had the most beautiful eyes. Blue and grey whirled together in a pool that reminded me of a storm. And they crinkled whenever he smiled. Or cried. I may not want to admit it out loud, but I did love that boy. In my own way. Maybe it wasn't the same love that other people have. Maybe it wasn't something that grew and developed, but it was burning and passionate...yet very innocent if that makes any sense at all.
I wish he would have given me the chance to love him for a little while longer. I wish he hadn't been afraid of the distance that the spring semester brought. I wish he had a little more faith. Because I think we would have made a great couple. A cute couple anyway. I don't know what makes a great couple. The only thing I know is that after two years he still likes to pop up in my mind to leave me wondering.
I remember how it all happened. It took me completely by surprise. He had broken up with his long term girlfriend and was in the midst of talking to this other girl. I thought it was all so complicated and confusing. The boy was crazy. Constantly trying to mix the old with the new. But we all know that doesn't work. Those two girls should have been in the same room together. And he certainly should not have talked about one with the other. It just makes everything messy. But that really has nothing to do with me. I was there for Popeguy, but because he was always working, Peace and I were constant companions at the house. And somehow that turned into this unexpected friendship. Of course, I had known him in high school. But we were on the acquaintance level. I usually sat with him and others in the mornings before class, but it was nothing. But that winter break something clicked and I made a really good friend. And at the time I didn't look at him in any other way. He wasn't really my type.
Then I noticed the shift. His hugs started to linger a little longer than they used to. Kisses began to find themselves planted on my cheek. All the time. Every time I turned around he was kissing my cheek or my head. And then came the look. This smile-thing he started giving me. At the time I thought nothing of it, but now I find it a little haunting. Remembering, it was a very nice smile. An affectionate smile. A smile that screamed I was his. And I would have been if he asked. Without hesitation i would have said yes. And he did ask. in a way. Well, he asked, but then took it back. Which, why ask in the first place if you're just going to change your mind the next day. I wish he would have had the balls to tell me what that was all about. To this day, I have no idea. So I throw it up to fear. What else can I assume?
When he visited over the summer with China and Improve, there was some definite sparkage. If he hadn't gone back to China and if he had come here alone, I wonder w=if anything would have happened. I'd like to think yes. According to everyone else he was flirting with me the whole time. I don't know. I'm not a natural flirt. But that's what they say he was doing. And apparently there was this whole shaking hand thing whenever he was in the room with me. I never saw it. But that's what they say. What does that even mean though? Shaking hands. Nerves? What does he have to be nervous about? I wish he would have just said something. I wish he would take some initiative so we can get rid of this tension between us. I would have been more than willing I think. Because whenever I think about him, I still can't help but to smile. He's the first boy that ever made me feel loved.
And now I yearn for that affection he used to give me. That tender gentleness. I go on about how I have no desire for a boyfriend, but there is a part of me that is kind of ready to have one. In a couple years I'm going to be ready to settle down. Can't settle down all by my lonesome, now can I?
scullerymaid at 12:47 a.m.