October 25, 2009
Move along
I wish I could say that my tear wells are all dried up like I would will them to be, but they aren't. They just leak all the time, unbidden. And I just sit there dumbfounded and let them fall because it's obvious my tears have a mind of their own. I remember when I never cried. now I always cry. Especially when I'm angry, and right now my entire body is pulsing with anger. Anger that is both old and fresh. Anger that has been begging to be let loose for months. Anger that I've quietly set away to the side, praying it would go away. praying I would get over my anger.
But no more!
It runs in my blood like an angry poison liberated from its syringe. Even though tears may stream down my face, Ia m no longer sad at my loss. I am no longer weak. yes, I have my doubts. Sometimes I want to hesitate, but I won't when the moment comes. I've been holdong back for so long, trying to be as placating as possible. I've bitten my tongue. I've allowed myself to be ignored and snapped at and made to feel absolutely and utterly unwanted. But it didn't matter because things would change. Because we were best friends and we could survive anything. Because I gave left my family so that he could have a family.
He tries to talk about compromises he has made, especially for me. What compromises? What has he done to show even the slightest hint that he cares? Nothing. Nothing at all. He couldn't even point out an example, yet always demands I give examples. Hypocrite! Well, if we want to talk about compromise and sacrafice, I am the one who has sacrafices. And maybe it was my decision. Maybe it was my mistake. Maybe he didn't ask me to do it, but that's not what true friendship is about. It's about being there for those you love, without hesitation and question. Without being told or asked. It's what you do out of love, and knowing you are loved in return. It's what I did for him. I left my family and didn't look back. I stayed in this city because he was here. Because he had noone. I would always have someone. I could go back home if I wanted to. But I didn't. I chose him. I chose to be his friend. I chose to take care of him and support him.
And he chose to cast me aside. He made me feel like I was as much a part of his world as he was mine. And when he found something new, he left me. He betrayed my trust. He treated me with bitterness and resentment.
Yet I stayed. I pretended it was fine. I was willing to push though it. I allowed myself to be constantly blames for all the trouble and pain. And I even began to believe it was all completely my fault. It was my fault we aregued. It was my fault I was upset. It was my fault he was upset. It was my fault that his relationship was in shambles. It all fell on me.
Well, not anymore. I am finished. I would have loved him forever. I would have loved him more than anyone else, but he wouldn't let me. I would have remained his companion until it was time for us to part ways gently, whether that be 3 years from now or 15! I was loyal and trustworthy. not once has a word he ever told me left my lips. My secrets run wild in his presense. Everyone knows everything I never wanted known thanks to him.
But none of that matter because he was my best friend and I his.
But he has proven himself unworthy of my friendship. He has finally made it easy for me to walk away. I feel like he's been pushing me away for ages and now he has finally accomplished that task. I don't love him anymore. Sure, there is a small place in my heart and the pit of my stomach that will feel his absense, but both will heal. And one day when I'm surrounded by friends and family. He will be alone. He just pushed away the one person that would have stood by him forver no matter what. How can he keep any others close to him? Either way, I don't care.
I am strong and I will be fine. Tears may fall, but they aren't sad anymore. They are regretful, full of anger, loss, and betrayal. But they are also tears of relief. The relief of being liberated. The liberation from a tyrant disguised as an angel.
scullerymaid at 11:20 p.m.