October 18, 2009
Midsummer's night
I feel like I never write anymore. And I don't mean for fun like short stories or dreaded poetry. I mean writing in the form of a journal or diary. I know I update here now and then, but it's not nearly as much as I used to. Updating used to almost be ritualistic for me. I didn't it practically everyday. And now I feel like I don't. And it's not that I have nothing to say. Thoughts ramble through my head constantly. But I don't write them down anymore. I think it's because I feel like I'm just complaining and saying the same things over and over again. After awhile, I get tired of writing it, even though I'm still thinking it.
Tonight I had dinner with some of my french club friends. Popeguy and the bf were there, too. And I maintained control. At least, I think I was civil and curteous. not awkward at all. I winder if I asked though, if Popeguy would tell me I could have done better. Because as friendly as I was, my skin felt like it was burning. Even as I laughed and joked with my friends, the only thing I wanted to do was leave and get away from him, the boy who symbolizes the worst summer I've ever had and the deterioration of the best friendship I've ever had. How do you learn to like someone that represents all that pain and doubt. Maybe it's not his fault. In fact, it isn't anyone's fault. It just is. But that doesn't change how I feel about him. That doesn't change the fact that even when I hear someone say his name, the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. It doesn't change the fact that his scent makes me want to gag and I hate that I can smell him from a room away.
But I do wonder if it's the smell I dislike, or do I dislike it because he wears it and now that what I associate it with...
Anyway, I wonder how long they'll last this time. Does it make me a traitor that I hope their relationship fails? Does it make me the worst best friend? I'm pretty sure it does. But I'm so tired of all their fake break-ups. Either stay together or don't fall apart at all. I know it's more complicated than that, but it sure as hell is annoying. And how are they going to make it anyway? Popeguy is going to Argentina in the spring, France in the summer, and Canada in the fall. Where is a boyfriend going to fit into all that, especially when this boyfriend doesn't like the fact that he's going to be gone? I don't know. It's all so crazy to me. But apparently I'm not going to understand until I'm in a relationship.
I hate it when he tries to pull that in my face. Just because I don't sexualize myself like the rest of my friends, doens't mean I don't know what it's like to love. That I don't what it's like to have that someone that just makes you smile no matter what. That I don't know what it means to be in a relationship. He doesn't share that kind of stuff with me. Why would I share it with him? He's made it clear I don't know everything about him. What makes him think he knows everything about me? He doesn't! And the next time he tries to shove it in my face that I'm not dating anyone, I'll remind him of that fact.
Stupid boy.
This entry isn't supposed to be a rant, however. I'm just saying, why does he always have to make himself superior and people still kiss the ground he's walking on, myself included sometimes?
I'm supposed to be doing homework, but I feel so lazy when it comes to school. I know I should study more, but I don't. It's not like my grades suffer from it, but I could make them shine if I actually put some effort into my academics. I still don't know what to do about grad school and studying abroad. Part of me wants to go to William and Mary. Williamsburg is so beatiful. But it's also so close. I want to go away for awhile, as much as it scares me. We'll see. And as great as it sounds to study abroad for a whole semester in the fall, I'm scared it will cut into my minors. And I might miss out on things. As stupid as that sounds, this is my college experience. I wonder if I could study abroad after I graduate and then go to grad school. Porbably not, especially if I don't want to pay out of my ass. I really should go talk to my advisor. What's my problem!
Yesterday I went to Howl-o-Scream and BG and I think I've out grown haunted houses, which really disappoints me. But I was only scared by one guy last night, and I think it was more eveyrone elses fear rubbing off on me. Otherwise, everything was whatever. I wanted to be scared!
I really should start going to the gym again. But I feel so busy now. By the time I'm free to go, I'm too tired. But I should ignore it and go anyway! I was doing so well, too. A size 13. That's all I want. How many pounds would I need to loose? Hell, I don't even care how much I weight, I mnay inches is that?!?!
I think I'm going to rearrange my room tonight. I really want a popasan chair, but have no space. But I'll make it work. Just need to get a visual by moving some furniture. I also want a mirrior and shelf. Maybe I'll get my tv back from home as well. Someimes I miss it. I don't know. My room feels so blah to me, I want to spice it up. When you walk in, noone would think, now this is Tiger Lily's room, no doubt! And that's what I want. I want it to scream me. But who am I? What kinds of things do I like? Cultural stuff yeah. Purples and turquoise, sure. Romantic theme? Maybe. Or would something more wild do? We'll see. I have 7 months to figure it out.
Oh, and I'm thinking about applying for a job on capmus being an FDA. It would be very convenient and the hours are flexible. Perhaps it'll happen.
scullerymaid at 9:38 p.m.