September 04, 2009
42
Sometimes I just want the world to disappear. I want to sit down and close my eyes, and when I open them, nothing will exist. Right now I feel like I'm floating, or maybe falling. Like I'm on the verge of being overwhelmed, but refusing for it to actually take hold of me. And that in turn is simply making me feel even more overwhelmed, even more rushed, even more flustered. Why can't everything just relax? Everytime I turn around, something else is happeneing and I'm just tired of it. I want a vaccation. A real vaccation. Not one that still involves work and bill paying and trying to split myself into ten people to suit my needs and the needs of others. Where's my break?
My car was broken into. I have a speeding ticket. I have to go to court, go to driving school, pay fines, pay my gym membership, read for class,s tudy for class, wake up early to go to work, stay up late to finish my schoolwork, research for speeches and research for my magazine, starve because I have no money and get sick because I'm not eating.
Everything is crashing! Or threatening to crash anyway.
Today I haven't eaten. I haven't eaten today because I had to pay for the gym, a grym that I haven't been to in two weeks because I no longer have the time to go. I pay for a membership I want to cancel, but I'm scared to because it'll probably look bad on what little credit I have...won't it?
I want to get rid of my cat. I wanted one, but not really. I knew deep down that owning a pet right now would be more hassel than fun, especially a kitten. I like older cats. But i let Mandy talk me into it. I let her drag me to the pet store and parade the little things in front of me. How could I resist? It would be one thing if I actually bonded with Loca, but i haven't and I don't think she's all that attatched to me either. I would take her to the SPCA, but she's a crazy cat. I don't know if anyone would adoprt her, and I hate for her to be put down. Not that I would ever know, but it still scares me. I'd feel guilty. But she really is insane. I could take her out to the country, but she's been outside twice in her life. What if she couldn't survive?
I want to pack up my room. As strange as that sounds, I want to put all my things into boxes and wait to move them out. But that might be suspicious. Who cares if it's suspicious? I feel crowded and it's starting to annoy me. Maybe I'll do that tonight. Pack away my books and movies and sort through all my random papers. Get rid of things I don't need/want.
I've decided I don't like my Spanish class. It's literature and it sucks. Yesterday I didn't understand anything anyone was saying and comprehension is rarely my problem. And it's boring to boot. I dred going. I do enjoy my French class, which is my weaker language. Maybe it's because we learn vocab and grammar and that's what I love. As far as our language goes, we are like small children. Really, we are. So why do we have classes where we have to analyze concepts in a language we've been studying for a few years? How does that work? children don't analyze books until practically high school! I don't know. It's just frustrating. I know I'm in the right field, but sometimes I want to kick it!
I'm pretty sure there's more I want to talk about, but nothing comes to mind. I'm patinetly waiting for my financial aid to come in so I can stop stressing about money...but that could be up to 2 more weeks.
Grr and argh!
scullerymaid at 1:20 p.m.