April 07, 2009

Holding my own

Snortgiggles and Math haven't been talking so last night I served as mediator. At first it was pretty bad. Snortgiggles has a strong personality and was basically attacking Math. But it cooled down and eventually turned into a whole roommate meeting. AndI guess it was good because we voiced our thoughts and how we felt about certain things. And though I don't feel like much was reallyresolved, everyone is talking to eachother and it's no longer awkward. I think...

Because I didn't really know exactly how to mediate, I pulled myown frustrations towards Popeguy into the mix as an example. And you know what? It was so good. Whenever I argue with Popeguy, it overthrows me. I'm just not good at explaining exactly how I feel so it just tumbles out of my mouth in a nonsensical manner. But last night I could list what bothers me and why. After everything was done we went to the coffee shop and I gave SB a recap of the evening. And she gave me some really good advice. Write it down. Write it down, go talk to him, and use it as a reference. That way I don't forget my good arguments and the two of us can have a more civil argument.

So here' my rough draft:

Issue #1: I don't like it when you have a boyfriend
When you have a boyfriend, I feel very displaced. I don't have a boyfriend. I have a best friend instead. You are my go to person. You are the person who is supposed to be there at all hours of the day. Well, not all hours, but most of them. I want to be able to spend time with you if I want to. But when you have a boyfriend, that person takes my place. And they do. Don't try to say they don't. The only reason you say that is because you're not the one being displaced. And I know you say you don't love me less, but it's not a question of love. I don't doubt your friendship or your love. It's your priorities (maybe). Whatever it is, I am displaced. We have this strange, weird, close, relationship, and it can't be the same when you're involved. Becasue BF is in my place and I don't want to intrude. And I know that having a BF means I have to step down from that position, but it still hurts and I wish you could just understand that. But you don't. You attack me for my actions and my reactions. But when I feel this way, I don't know how to deal with it.

Issue #2: I don't like your boyfrined
I don't like him. I know you don't know this because you're living in your bliss world, but I waited a very long time before I finally came to that decision. I know I can be biased when you have a boyfriend and I didn't want to just automatically assume that I didn't like him. So I waited. And I thought I was being nice to him. You know idea things that I did to try and show him that it was okay that he was there. But apparently none of those things even matter. Sometimes if I saw him in the caffeteria, I would go out of my way to say hi to him. But I'm sure none of that it recounted to you. Instead, you get little comments I make. Comments that fit the situation whenever I said them. But no, I'm being mean. So you know what? Fine. It's not going to work out between us so just stop thinking that we're all going to be friends. I don't want to hang out with him, and I especially don't want to hang out with the two of you together. And I never will unless it's a big group of all of us. It's not the fact that's he your booyfriend either. I wouldn't hang out with him if we had met randomly and you two had no connection. He gives me a weird vibe. And his mannerisms are annoying and can seem extremely childish/immature. And I'm not saying he's immature, it's just how he presents himself sometimes. And I'm not the only in the group that sees it, so stop thinking it's a me bashing him thing.

Issue #3:PDA
You know I don't like it. I've made it very clear that I can't stand it when people are all over eachother. It's rude and inconsiderate. That doens't not mean you have to sit 10 feet apart. You're a couple. You're expected to touch. But be discreet about it for crying out loud. A thing here, a thing there. That is cute. But being all over eachother is down right sickening. Once again, I am not the only one who feels this way. I just happen to be the one who spends the most time with you. And I react more strongly to it. You are like a brother to me. You're more than that. You'remy best friend. I don't want to see all that. It litterally makes me gag and I don't want to be around you. And I feel like you don't care. It's like instead of you guys minimalizing it, undestading that you can do all that when you're alone, I have to just get over it and that is not in any means fair.

Issue #4: Relay
You told me the way I acted at Relay pissed you off. Well, you hurt me all the time with all this shit so I think we're pretty even. If we're all together doing this relay thing, what makes you think I want to see you and BF on top of eachother. And once again, I wasn't the only one sickened by it. I'm guessing no one tells you. But everyone hates it. We don't want to see you kiss or run up to eachother like long lost lovers. Why can't you act like a normal couple. Why does it have to see like the two of you are above everyone else. So yeah. If you guys are going to act that way, I'm going to be distant. And I'm not going to talk to you guys and I sure as hell am not going to face you while you do it either. So I manned my booth sold my bagels, and ignored you guys. And I don't care if it made you guys mad, because watching you hurts me because all the other issues thrown together in my face. How am I supposed to react?

Issue #5:Assimilation
You did the shittiest job of assimilating him into our gorup. Some of us weren't even aware of his existence until he was already your boyfriend. Others of us don't like to hang out with you because that means he's going to come to. It's like you can't let go. And you make time to hang out with him, but before he was in the picture you never made time for us. So we see who your priotitiy is. We are your firneds (though you have said we're not your best friends so I don't know why we even bother worrying about you anymore because you make it seem like you could care less about us). But you are our friend and we are going to be here long after your boyfriend is gone. He's not going to be in the picture forever, despite what you may think right now, so stop shoving us to the side. Anyway, when you first started dating you said that you would hang out with his friends. Okay... why did you guys never hang out with us? You pulled osme bullshit about how our schedules didn't mesh. At the time, they did. You just didn't want us to be part of it for some reason. Maybe if you had introduce him to us sooner and more frequently, we all wouldn't be in this situation. Instead he was just this "mystery" person that we knew existed. We knew what he looked like, but we didn't know who he was. And that is entirely your fault. In this whole situation, you fail as a friend. And friends come first. And you say that all the time, but you surely don't act on it.

Issue #6:Your birthday
We had a party planned for you. And since we all never got to hang out at the time, we were going to do something special that involved all of us so that we could be together for once. But the BF approached us, and since he was your BF, we decided to use his idea. Do not even begin to think that it was he that threw you the party. He just suggested an idea and we wanted to repect him for it. But who went out shopping? Who figured out how to get into the room? Who figured out how to distract you? Without us, you would not have had a party. But surpise, surprise, it's the wonderful boyfriend who does everything for you. Aren't we so lucky that he does because we surely owuld not have met the task.

Issue #7:Excuses
We don't (and I especially don't) appreciate it when you make excuses to see the BF instead of spending time with us. And maybe they don't seem like excuses to you, but we see right through it. The movie is boring. I'm going to leave. I have so much work to do. Can we do this later? Are we done here? Let me drive you home. If you can't handle a night of being with us instead of with him, don't bother coming over. Just forget about us. Maybe things would be better that way. Why can't you create a balance? Oh, yeah. Because it's up to us to get over it. We should be understand thought because you never get to see him. Okay then. Go see him. Sacrafice your friendships for your boyfriend. I mean, you never get to see us but that obviously doens't matter. Yeah...

Okay, that's what I have right now. And some of it might be a little harsh, but that's the feelings I (and we) have. I don't know when I want to talk to him, but this is a start at least and I won't be rambling like I always end up doing.