December 21, 2008
The difference between love and hate...the spelling
I don't understand this power he has over me. Because I don't like him. Whatever infatuation I had, what ever little feelings I was still clinging to, it all disappeared Wednesday. Who is he for me to wait on? To wonder if we're going to meet up? To know if our friendship even exists anymore?
Nobody!
So I put down my foot. I make other plans. I finally let go and he leaves my thoughts and my heart only to pop up again when I thought I was free.
All this time I've been living in denial. Denying my attraction to him, finding every excuse possible (though some were and are ture). Well, I admit it here and now. I did like him. Not at first, no. But later, yes. And still later yes. Even though I fought against it. Even though I wanted it but was too scared. My heart opened up for him. And he didn't stomp on it. He didn't tear it into peices. He didn't even slowly withdraw from me. He simply disappeared, no warning or explanations and that's what broke me. Not having any answers. Being left with nothing but air to grasp. And ever since then, he has filled my thoughts leaving me wondering. And for that I have hated him. I hate him for giving me that hope and then taking it. But even more, I hate him because after all this time and after I finally realize that he wasn't worth any of it, he has to call. I have to listen to his voice, hear his smile, and even though I don't want to, I melt. I melt for a boy I don't wish to melt for. A boy who will never be mine and who Ino longer wish to be mine. And yet, I still melt. And I forgive, no questions asked.
And once again, I'm the one waiting. And I hate that he made me not mind waiting.
scullerymaid at 1:15 p.m.