August 09, 2008
Love? I think not...Possessive? Sure!
Oh Diaryland, how much I've missed you! I've been going crazy in my own mind unable to update, letting go of my frustration and sharing my excitement. Really, this place is part of me. And maybe it's a little sad how much writing in here helps me to keep focus, but it really does.
So much has happened. And yet nothing has happened. I don't know if I really feel like getting into it, remembering everything and all that jazz, but at least I can do it now if I want to. My wireless is miraculously working :-D
Tomorrow I'm going home for a week. I'm so ready. No class. No work. Just me, a car, and whatever adventures I decide to go on. Tomorrow night I'm actually going to a party in Richmond. My first real party. Actually, I don't even know if it's going to be a "party." That's just what they happen to be calling it. We'll see.
So I hate texting! Well, I'm actually rather fond of texting, but I hate it when people text in front of you. And I know I've been guilty of this crime before, but it is so...rude! I can seen doing a little texting. But having hours of conversation with someone in your phone when you're supposed to be spending time with someone that's right there with you is extremely annoying for the person that is right there with you. I know this now. And I'm going to try my best never to do that to anyone ever again.
Okay, I guess I should go ahead and get into it. Popeguy. He'll been texting this guy. So maybe I'm just biased about texting right now. And I hate how it bothers me so. Because there's no reason for it to. I've tried to think of reasons. And the number one that people like to throw at me is that I'm in love with him.
Am I in love with Popeguy? Am I in some kind of deep denial about? Why shouldn't I be in love with him? He really is great. There's so little that I find wrong with him. And yes, I am attracted to him. So is the reason I get possessive and defensive every time he meets someone because I love him and want him for my own?
No.
I love him, yes. But I am not in love with him. He's my best friend, a soulmate of sorts I would not want to live without. And it's different with him than it is with the girls. I love them too, but I could live without them. But I can't imagine my life without Popeguy. Sure, one day we might have to separate, but that will be long from now hopefully.
I think my possessiveness is more selfish than that though. I was thinking about it last night. And it's so much more likely that he will find someone before I do. I mean, we've been here for a year and look at all the interest people have shown already. So when he finds someone, I will be alone for real. Yeah, I'm not with anyone right now, but his presence is a close second to being with someone. I'm sure the way I act with him is almost the way I would act with a lover. And I don't want to give that up, even though it's nothing like that. Pretty screwed up, huh?
But whatever. Soon the girls will be back and they'll distract me from this silly possession I feel. And it's going to be great.
I don't know. But I need to get rid of that feeling. Because as long as it's here, I'm not the best friend that I know I'm supposed to be and that's just not cool!
scullerymaid at 1:57 p.m.