May 08, 2008
The key to me
I really should be doing my spanish workbook right now, but I absolutely hate doing workbooks. Especially for my conversation class. I mean, there's grammar in there we haven't even learned. And there are so many! Of course, if I had kept up with it there wouldn't be so many, but come on. Who really keeps up witht crap like this? Nobody I know. Uggg, super procrastination! The class even got a one day extension. Oh boy.
The problem with being so quiet is that one is left with lots of thoughts, things unsaid. One of my recent thoughts is that I have a serious problem. When I was younger, I attached myself to everything and everyone. I didn't like to let go. Now, I let go very easily and it barely phases me, and it's so strange! For instances, I'm going to be separated from the majority of my friends (and family) for the summer. And I don't care. Yes, I fear being left alone, but it's different. What I mean to say is that sometimes I feel like if I never saw the people again I call my best friends, I don't think I would lose it. I wouldn't break down and cry or miss them terribly. And I hate that I feel this way. And the worst part of it is that currently, Popeguy is in that group.
Popeguy. I don't know why I feel so distant from im. Becauseeven though I'm angry or upset or whatever I am with him, he's still stuck with me for life and I'm still stuck with him. I think part of it is that he hasn't regained my trust yet from when he put me on speaker phone. I know it's petty, but if he could do that to me, his best friend, what's to stop him from doing other things, too? Is it because he loves me he can hurt me? Because I love him he knows I'll forgive him if he does something wrong. But truth be told when I try and confront him about stuff, or he confronts me, I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what to say, and when I try to explain and he counters I feel so stupid. But the feelings are still there and I can't just wish them away, you know?
I think I'm also very jealous that he's living with three girls right now. If he was living with guys, I don't think I would have a problem. And maybe it's stupid, but he would be jealous too if I were living with a bunch of guys. So I don't have a need to justify my jealousy. It's part of who I am anyway.
Sometimes I wish I could show my friends my diary. My diary is completely me. Good. Bad. Confused. Sad. Happy. But there's so many thoughts in here I don't want them to know, because I know it would hurt them and hurting them hurts me. But I think about it often. It's like reading it is the key to figuring Tiger Lily out. But it'll neve happen. I would die before allowing them entry.
I think going home for a week will be good. I'm going to go see Dancer, maybe go to Maymont or something. Visit Romania. It should be fun, but hopefully not too busy. Sometimes I like to just sit around. Maybe I'll see if mom wants to go to the beach. I think she would like that.
scullerymaid at 10:30 a.m.