April 27, 2008
Back to resolutions
I'm reading the Jane Austen Book Club, and Daniel, Sylvia's husband, asks her are you happy?. If someone were to ask me that question, my husband or someone else jus as close, I think my response would be are you not?
It's just such a startling question. It's notlike we think about our happiness on a daily basis. We think about when we're not happy. But rarely do we realize that we are.
I am happy. To sit and ask myself that, I don't have a clear answer. It's not yes or no. But I know that I am happy. Yes, there are times that I wonder what am I doing. Sometimes My emotions decided to go wild and an hour ater I've forgotten that I felt that way. And I know the problem. Or I have suspiscions anyway. I don't think there is anything that I truely know because my mind changes so frequently. But it's an insecurity. I'm insecure about my position in life. Like what I have can be taken away in a moment.
I'm sure I've already mentioned this in my previous entires, but I might as well mention it again. I feel utterly and completely abandoned by Popeguy. Why?Because he went and found a house without me. Yeah, that's right. All these plans. All these hopes of spending the summer together and of being bff. Where dod that go? Right out the window when someone offered him a room... in which I wasn't included. But I guess that's life, right? Dog eat dog, yeah?
Why does it bother me so much? That he can just up and go and not realize how much it has impacted me. If I were to pick up and go, I can't help but wonder if he would notice, or even blink an eye.
Yesterday I mentioned that I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay for the summer. I ouldn't really gauge his reaction. Maybe a little surprise at first. But how easily he moves on. But then again, this news has already spead throughout the group. Today Artist asked me about it.
Maybe that's why soemtimes I wonder what it would be like to have different friends. There's no sense of intimacy in the group. No secrets kept. I never tell the other what one has toldto me in confidence, yet all my shit is always out there.
Should I just say oh well and ignore it? At least with Romania, we know what we say is only betweent he two of us. Not between me, her, her sister, her mother, and the rest of the world.
Anyway, I've decided to stay, on the basis that I did tell myself I would not move back home. But that doesn't mean I won't go visit. I have every intention of getting my car back. And hopefully in a year get my own car.
So should I go ahead and pay the bill for my housing? Or is there still part of me wondering if soemthing else will come up. Like Popeguy will remember that we had plans and see if I could stay too. But no. I can't become independant from one person to become dependant on another. I need to let go of plans and what if's...
scullerymaid at 8:50 p.m.