April 02, 2008
Peas and carrots
Do you know who I've been thinking of lately now that I've fallen into this weird state of consciousness? Dancer. And you know why? It might be a little petty, but because we were two peas in a pod. Like peas and carrots. And I miss having that kind of relationship. One where the other will drop anything just to drive around and do nothing. Just looking back, he was devoted (not the right word) to me 100% and I was willing whenever he needed something. Spending everyday together wasn't a problem, but a nice escape. Maybe it's because we never had any classes together he didn't know the quiet, shy side of me. I mean, to an extent. Instead, he knew the wacky, crazy girl that I love to be. The sarcastic girl he always wanted to smack even though he was smiling at my words. The girl who had no problem making late night runs to the park just to get out of the park and talk.
Where did that girl go? She's hiding from me and I can't seem to bring her out. Maybe it's because she tries to reveal herself at the wrong moments. Then she realizes it wasn't the right time and hides again, lost to me. I really miss her. Sometimes I feel so trapped without her. Is it because the friends I roll with now only knew one side of me in high school. The side that is always sweet and innocent, kind and helping. Cheerful 24/7.
I wish she would come out. Because without her, I've become bitter and withdrawn. I follow the group, but I don't partake. I don't talk. And this is just one of many reasons that I'm blaming this on.
Why do I feel so sad and alone suddenly. Sometimes, remembering my enneagram, I wonder if it's a self-worth problem. I think sometimes I feel so replaceable that I stop interacting whatsoever.
I don't know. I keep telling myself just wait for summer, then everything will be fine. I hope...
Oh well. I know one day my happiness will return. I just wish it would hurry.
scullerymaid at 10:52 p.m.