February 25, 2008
Fight or surrender
I was sick this morning. Ewww
Everytime I get rid of him, he just comes right back. Why? We both are ehhh about it right now. So why does he keep it up? And it's not even the same. It's talking and talking, but talking only makes me mad. It's like I sweep dirt under the rug and someone comes along and moves the rug so that the dirt goes everywhere again.
I feel like there's this war going on inside of me. My heart is in it. It's screaming yes yes yes. But my mind is absolutely completely without a doubt against it, and it's making me sick. I just want to be myself again.
This morning I was smiling and wonderful. I said my adios and felt just very relieved. And then he just comes back and the sick feeling has returned.
I can't love. I think I've figured out why. I don't want to end up like everyone in my family. Alone and bitter. Divorced and unhappy. So if I don't love at all, I won't end up like that. Maybe I'll be alone, but not bitter. And other things will fill that void.
They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved. Maybe it's better to never love and keep dreaming. Let the imagination roam wild.
I will not give up my heart. I say no. I tried, but even when I said I wouldn't fight it, I still fought it.
scullerymaid at 3:58 p.m.