February 16, 2008
Don't call me pookie
DIARY!!!!!
Why do we have these feelings? Why do we have them? And why are they so conflicting!
I haven't talked to him since Sunday. Sure, there's been messages here and there on facebook, but that's not really talking. And I'm like okay, whatever. I can live perfectly fine without him. No big deal. It was just silly anyway.
Then he has to get AIM back. And all the feelings that I pushed away come rushing back. And what do I get? Nothing! Absolutely nothing. Stupid light chatter. How was your day? Good. Then a nice long pause. Oooh smiley. Another smiley. Pause. What are you doing....
And so forth. It seemed so forced. Not really forced, but distracted I guess. I don't know. I just wish he'd get out of my head.
I am so sick and tired of being understanding. Am I supposed to wait forever? Am I even supposed to be waiting for anything? And I don't want to be in anything with him right now anyway. I mean I do, but I know it wouldn't be good because he is a relationship hopper and I don't want to be his next lilypad. When it's with me, I want it to be when the other girls are not that significant anymore. But I'm so impatient!
I don't know why he makes me so mad but he does. Why do I have to initiate everything? Why do I have to go into detail about my day? Why am I the one that's always waiting?
No! I ma taking charge. No more waiting for something to happen. No more making sure I'm here at his convenience. No more thinking about him. I'm going to make myself unavailable and then we'll see if he likes to stay in limbo.
I have more important things to worry about than some boy. Granted, he's a rather important boy, but so what?
I just hate this flip flopping and I feel like I'm so out of the know sometimes. But fine. If he doesn't have time to talk to me, than I don't have time to talk to him.
But I know he's busy and stuff--- stop that. I do not have to be understanding all the time!
Okay, I'm going. Enough ranting...
scullerymaid at 1:22 a.m.