December 18, 2007
Exhausted!
I am so freaking pissed right now! Guess what Popeguy and Peace and only God knows who else are doing right now? Just guess! Yeah, they're at the movies watching The Golden Compass. The Golden Compass? Why yes, that was the movie we were all supposed to see together, me included!
I told them I was going to be in Charlottesville today. I told them that if they went today I wouldn't be able to go. Of course I said if they were, it was okay, but I never thought they would do it. They even told me they weren't.
And I know it was Peace that initiated it. Everyone else just followed. And then they have the nerve to keep calling me and apologizing: Sorry, I didn't know; I misunderstood you; Te amo; Necesito tu amor; Talk to me; Don't be emo. Emo? Emo my ass! I am not emo. I didn't even know what emo was until like a year ago.
Oh I am so angry. I couldn't even stay on the phone with the two of them. I had to keep hanging up, calm myself down, and call them back only to end up hanging up again. And the bad thing? I was ten minutes away from home. For a minute I thought it was going to be fine. That I'd just zip over to the theater. But no! We have a brand-spanking new theater and they have to go all the way to commonwealth. Commonwealth? Why? Why for all the clover in the world did they go to commonwealth?!?!?!? So I just got back from running, because that's what I do when I'm mad. One good run around the track then walk the rest of the mile. And boy did I, me, and myself have a nice little chat...
I am so sick and tired of being forgotten. I am tired of being the back-burner. I'm tired of being a doormat that everyone can walk all over and then being thrown out because people realize that if they take off their shoes on the porch, they don't need a doormat anymore. I am tired of trying to be a good friend. Of making everyone like me. Of keeping my feelings inside because I don't want to hurt or offend someone. I am tired of being shy and quiet. Of being the girl in the corner. Of being nice and happy all the time. I am tired of feeling like I am easily replaced. That I don't really matter. I don't complain (out loud). I listen to everyone else's problems and I give my empathy and encouragement. I am tired of trying to think of the right thing to say and wishing I knew the right words. I am tired of thinking all these things are just my exagerated imagination. That I'm not good enough for anyone and that everything that's wrong in my life is just me making up stories for attention. Because I don't crave that kind of attention!
And most of all, I hate that even though I'm writing this I will do nothing about it because I will be understanding. Because I don't blame them for wanting to do something fun with their night. I can feel the anger ebbing away already and I hate that I can't stay angry. I want to be angry for once. I want them to feel guilty, but then I'll just feel guilty for making them feel guilty.
So you know what? I'm going to go see that stupid movie which I wanted to see so bad with people that would understand it and love it as much as I do by myself. Because that's all I can do. Be spiteful. Oh, they say they'll go see it again? Well, it's not the same! They won't be surprised along with me. They'll already know what's happening. So I will go see it alone and I will like it and I will be happy that I went without any of them.
Grrrr!
And you know what? I knew this was going to happen. I saw it as clear as day in my head and I had this feeling in my stomach. You'd think I'd be used to being left out by now...
scullerymaid at 8:23 p.m.