December 09, 2007
Not wanted
I feel fat. I feel fat. I feel fat!
You know what drives me crazy? When skinny little girls that wear a size small going around saying "I feel fat!" Yeah, it drives me loca. So what if you're eating a piece of candy? Who cares that you look like a cerdo (pig)? No one really gives a flying flip, so why should you?
This is what Math was saying today. Why? Because she ordered a hot chocolate at Panera. I wanted to turn to her and slap her. Sure, she is not bone skinny. She's not a stick figure. But she can still fit nicely into a small. So why the hell are you going on about being fat when you obviously aren't?
It is pointless and stupid!
My friends know that I have a diary, or at least blog. Sometimes when they use my laptop, I'm scared Scullerymaid will be revealed. The thing is, this diary usually reflects how I feel at the moment, not all the time. It's my ranting page where I go when I feel down and blue. I don't really hate Math. I just have some issues because one of my best friends isn't always there when I need him.
But Secret Santa went well! We finally exchanged gifts today, and I was right about who everyone had. Artist gave me a cute little tin in the shape of a house filled with cookie cutters and some batter. I'm pretty sure Popeguy liked the Spanish book and key chain I got him.
But yeah, back to them finding my diary. I hope they don't because my feelings are just that: feelings. They rage from high to low, cold and hot all the time. But they aren't always true. Sometimes, as is clear, jealousy clouds my mind, as does insecurity. But oh well. If they find it, I guess they find it. I just dont want them all to know how sad I feel sometimes. That I feel replaced and useless, shoved in some little corner. Because usually, they have no idea that I'm not happy. Which I am... most of the time.
I don't know. I'm kinda rambling right now, yeah? It's just I want to feel loved and needed, and I don't. This is why I'm half looking forward to break. Because as screwy as my family is, they need me, even though with them I don't always want to be needed.
scullerymaid at 8:45 p.m.