November 01, 2007
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes...YES!
Tuesday night I received a phone call. It was Mom and she told me that after he'd been missing for a couple of days, they'd found Oreo under the house. Dead.
I cried so much that night. Me and my friends went to a cafe and I couldn't stop crying. And I couldn't tel them either. I didn't want to say it out loud and I really don't know how to tell people that I'm sad or angry. So I didn't really say anything. Of course Mom called again and made me give the phone to Poepeguy and she told him. I was so annoyed.
I felt so alone. There was no one to comfort me. Not the way I needed to be comforted. I got a few pats on the back. A squeeze on the elbow. What I needed was a good hug. Someone to suffocate me so that I would snap back into it. But the girls, we don't really hug each other. And Popeguy was wrapped up with Falcon.
I was so glad my roommate wasn't in that night, because I couldn't sleep. I was crying all night. And it wasn't a good cry either. It wasn't refreshing because I could only be so loud. The walls here are paper thin. And I couldn't cry but so much outside either. People are everywhere, even at night.
Then yesterday Mom sends me a text message saying Oreo was alive. That the cat they found was some stray that happened to be black and white. Oh my gosh! I was so happy I had to cry again. Once again, no one to share my joy with, but I was still happy.
So my baby is alive and I'll be able to see him again. For a second, I felt so lost. And it made me very snappy and sarcastic. Sorry...
But there's still the issue of my feelings. There's no one I can share them with. Even my closest friends, I don't tell them anything. Sometimes I try, but they either don't notice or I chicken out. I wish I had someone... someone who knew my tricks. Who could tell when my smiles were fake and my laughter rehearsed. Someone who got excited for me when I'm excited, even if what I'm excited about doesn't matter to them. Someone to connect with on a deeper level. Someone who doesn't have a love interest (Popeguy) and someone who I'm not scared to share my feelings with to a certain point (Romania). Or maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm just too cut off from everyone. Maybe I feel like a burden sometimes...
scullerymaid at 10:51 a.m.