July 17, 2007
Words caught in my blood
This is my problem: pride. I am very prideful, deadly sin or not. I don't like asking for help. I don't like charity, and only tolerate generosity to be polite. I don't know how I became this way, but letting people help me makes me feel cheap and looked down upon.
So when I need help, I don't ask for it. I think of ways in my head to ask without asking. To do so in a subtle way. I gauge the different ways a conversation can go and drop hints. And if one hint doesn't work, I steer the convesation towards another one. (I guess I'm a little manipulative. Oh my!)
As is known, I have no car. My only means of transportation is the "generosity" of others. And I hate it! I like being self-sufficient. Not to say I shun everyone away. I just like being able to handle my own problems. I don't like asking people for a ride to work. I hate that Grandma drives all the way out there for me. It's not far from my house really, but from hers... it is. I feel guilty. And for Cherish to give me rides makes me feel guilty, too. I don't like Dad to take me because all he talks about is his gas. And I don't like Mom's car, and she smokes. It's just all terrible.
I half thought about asking Popeguy for a ride tomorrow so Grandma wouldn't have to take me. I was chatting with him for quite some time, but I just couldn't ask. He's assured me several times that all I need do is ask. Just ask and he'd be there. But I can't. I just can't!
When my car broke down right after I found out that I had a job, I thought maybe it was a sign. Maybe I shouldn't take the job. But people told me to keep it up, and it is money every week. But is it really worth it? I don't mind working. And the distance isn't really a problem. I'd have the same problem if by some miracle I got a job down the street. I still might quit. But I'll try and hang in a little longer.
Anyway, I watched some Kdrama today. A movie called My Boyfriend Is Type B. The guy was this huge jerk. I mean, uber so! Why was she still with him? Oh, because then he would do something so sweet you'd forget all the bad things abut his B-blood. I liked it. It was cute. Made me laugh. Hmm, I thought Chae-young was funny. The whole laungry bit- hilarious!
I wonder what blood type I am? Guess I'll have to donate one day.
scullerymaid at 10:14 p.m.