December 04, 2005
Revelations
That's it. It happened. I'm having a nervous breakdown.
All I need is one hour- ONE HOUR- in the kitchen with no interuptions to get it clean. That's all I wanted to do. Clean the kitchen. But everytime I go back in there, everyone follows em. It's like I'm a mother hen or something. And I can clean when they're in there because they get into everything!
And I'm so mean. All I do is complain and fuss and snap and yell. I'm a horrible duaghter, cousin, and sister. And why am I doing all these things? Why does it bother me? I'm even ugly to the dogs.
And I'm a bad Christian. I ask all these things of God and I give him nothing in return. I haven't proved myself to be good. I don't deserve his kindness or love.
I'm doing terribly in school. I have all these B's and I don't know why I'm doing so bad. Is the work that much harder? Or am I just lazy. I've never gotten a B in spanish in all my life. Spanish was my subject and now it's not anymore.
I treat Cousin like crap. I know she has special needs. Sure, she's hard to live with, but that's no reason to be the way I am.
I don't have all that many friends at school. At least not people I really talk to. If you asked anyone at school about me, all they could tell you is my name and that I'm smart, which I'm not even that anymore. Really, I try to get close, but it just doesn't work. I want to have friends. Why can't I let nayone in? And why can't they let me in? No, it's me. I see how new students are sucked into groups. Why can't I let myself be sucked in? Why can't I talk.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so empty, so drained. Passionless. Cruel. Sick. I can't even smell ort aste anything because my nose is so stopped up. I feel like a disappointment to God and everyone around me, especially myself.
And I don't know where all these thoughts are coming from. They just surprised me and now my head hurts from crying and I can't breathe.
Everyone drives me crazy. I can't stand living in a dirty house. I'm so easily irritated. My room is cluttered and unorganized. My life is falling apart. One minute I'm the sweetest, happiest person you've ever met, and then I'm the meanest, saddest, most depressed person you've ever met. It's like there's two people inside of me and you never know who it's going to be.
And I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I know I shouldn't worry too much. But if I don't worry at all that wouldn't be good. I know I want to marry young and start a family and have kids, but there's no guarantee that that's going to happen. I used to think I would be the first to do all that stuff, but fate has had other plans. I really don't want to be some old spinster one day with nothing but my cats. I need love. That much I know. And I have it in my life, but it's the wrong kind. I need somebody to need me in their life. I need to be wanted. Maybe that's what seems so empty. I don't know. All I know is the emptiness.
"Everythings numb"
scullerymaid at 12:35 p.m.